Lost in the jungle of jargonics

By DYLAN JONES

Business jargon has never been so pervasive, or so fashionable, and there is now such a culture surrounding it that it's even spawned its own collective term: "jargonics".

Its increased popularity has a lot to do with the internet, and in particular with a website called Buzzwhack, which has a weekly update of buzzwords and bizwords.

I sometimes think the people in my office should start a website too, as they seem to devote an unreasonable amount of time to discussing and inventing business jargon and acronyms, usually at the expense of other people in the office, and always when they're meant to be doing something else. (In fact, the more I think about this, the more I'm sure they've already started one).

When I overheard the features team talking about some war of attrition between them and the art department, I heard one of them say "We have bench", which means - I later found out - that they have enough supporters to back them up in the field of play, so to speak.

Others that have come to light include "undertiming" (doing freelance work when you're at work), "shamover" (any illness invented between 8am and 9am caused by serious over-indulgence the previous evening), "boiling the ocean" (as in "We're not boiling the ocean here, guys", signifying the frustration at the inability to effect even small business changes), MBWA (the "Management By Walking Around" technique employed by uninspiring executives who earn extravagant salaries for aimless wandering).

Also, there are three euphemisms for being fired: "de-careered", "reconfigured" and "he's had his portfolio shuffled".

My favourite buzzword is "toejam!", used as an exclamation when spotting more than three people in the office wearing Birkenstocks or sandals.

I like this because its insulting nature often results in the guilty parties leaving their beach wear at home and coming to work the next day in sensible footwear (usually a proper pair of heavily polished black brogues).

Because as much as I love my Birkys (I have three pairs and am about to invest in another white pair for my holidays), I fail to see why people in a respectable office would feel like they ought to wear them to work.

Unless, of course, they feel like being de-careered, reconfigured or having their portfolio shuffled.

Buzzwhack

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