Thankfully, soon after that someone did. And so I kissed a few frogs, learnt a few lessons, and realised that love is a precious gift; not something that anyone is entitled to, but something to be given and received gracefully, nurtured closely and treasured.
Over the past few weeks, however, the idea that love, or more specifically, sex, is an entitlement has hit the media in discussions around 'incels' – the men's rights movement that apparently motivated a Toronto man to drive a van into pedestrians, killing 10 people.
If you're not acquainted with the word 'incels', congratulations, and my commiserations that I'm about to shatter your blissful ignorance. 'Incels', or 'involuntary celibates', are men who frequent certain online forums where they talk to each other about their frustration that women won't have sex with them.
Many of the comments that appear on the forums are unprintable, containing frightening fantasies of committing violence against women.
Last week, I spent a few hours on an 'incel' forum researching an article for my blog Villainesse. It was like stepping into an alternative universe, complete with its own jokes and terminology.
In 'incel' circles, conventionally attractive and overtly sexy women are called 'Stacys', while the next tier down, the women who are 'average', are called 'Beckys'. 'Chads' are muscular, popular men who get to have sex with 'Stacys', and who 'Beckys' want to have sex with. 'Normies' are normal people who aren't particularly attractive but who are having sex anyway.
Still with me?
Most 'incels' spend a lot of time calling 'Stacys' whores and fantasising about punishing them for their attractiveness with physical violence, and while they don't generally believe that they would ever be able to have sex with a 'Stacy', they seem to feel like they are entitled to the attention of 'Beckys'. There are even some 'incels' who advocate for a kind of heteronormative sexual Marxism, whereby the Government would allocate a woman to every man.
The rampant misogyny on the forum made me feel ill, but in the days after I visited it, I began to wonder how the men splattering gratuitous violence across the screen whilst hiding behind fake identities came to be the way they are. What was it that sent them down the rabbit hole from experiencing rejection to feeling intense hatred for women?
As someone who has had sexual relationships, I'm aware that it will be impossible for me to understand what it is like to be celibate while not wanting to be, but I do remember what it was like to be single while wanting to be in a relationship in my early twenties.
Sadness and loneliness are universal experiences that affect most people over the course of a lifetime, and I can certainly empathise with the young men on the forum who feel unhappy and alone.
Where I start to scratch my head is the intense focus on sex. The way that sex is discussed on 'incel' forums suggests that it is transactional. Sex is something to be aggressively pursued, and women are merely the vessels through which the transaction is completed. Such a view completely misses the thing that makes sex wonderful: emotional connection. Transactional sex, in my experience, can leave you feeling empty and lonely anyway.
And sex is just one small part of being intimate with someone. To put it bluntly, sexual gratification is easily achievable without a partner. The more valuable part of a sexual experience is the feeling of sharing it with someone. Intimacy is much less about the act of sex and more about the feelings of closeness and togetherness. The real star player of sex is not testosterone, oestrogen, or dopamine, but oxytocin.
The way that our society views sex has a lot to answer for. While sex is thought of as something that one partner does to the other, rather than something that partners share, misogyny will continue to flourish.
I would venture that most of us can agree that fantasising about injuring or killing women is wrong, yet somehow misogyny has taken root in our sexual landscape, sometimes reducing women to prey to be captured and devoured.
While 'incels' aim their anger at women, occasionally with deadly consequences, they are bafflingly hurling their vitriol at the very people they want to like them. While there's no denying that our society prizes looking a certain way, being a good person with a sense of humour and a kind heart is also extremely attractive.
If 'incels' were able to view women as human beings with emotions, thoughts, and desires, they may find that their quest to actually socialise with one in the flesh would become easier.
Which is where my sympathy runs dry.
Loneliness, pain, longing, and low self-esteem are all things that I can understand and empathise with. Fantasising about rape and domestic violence, or driving a vehicle into pedestrians are not. Maybe it's not perceived external ugliness that's preventing 'incels' from having sexual relationships. Maybe it's the ugliness within.
