Interview with Desley Flack who fell pregnant as a young girl and then went to Australia to have her baby where it was adopted out.
In the 1960s and 70s unwed pregnant Kiwis would travel to Australia to escape the shame of having a baby at home. There they were subject to inhumane practices and coerced into adopting out their babies, seemingly with no other choice.
An exhibition called Without Consent that details the harrowing stories of those damaged by illegal forced adoption practices is opening in Sydney this Saturday.
Desley Flack didn't look into her son's eyes until he was 22.
He was whisked away immediately after birth for fear he might bond with the woman who made him. The 20-year-old mum got one glimpse of him after signing the adoption papers - but she had to wait until he was sleeping to visit.
Now 68, Flack is sharing her story for the first time. She hopes to reach other Kiwis who travelled to Australia to have their babies wrenched from their arms in the 1960s and 1970s - when it felt like there was no other option.
Desley Flack fell pregnant as a young girl and went to Australia to have her baby adopted out to avoid the shame it would bring on her family. Photo / Michael Craig
Flack was 19 when she had a fling in Auckland. It didn't last long but a few weeks later the nausea kicked in and she knew she was pregnant. She couldn't bear hurting her family with the shame of her condition and marriage wasn't an option, so she booked a passage to Australia.
Months later she gave birth to a healthy baby boy; a secret she kept for over 30 years.
Desley Flack and her son Craig in 2001. Photo / Supplied
Flack explained the "baby scoop era" as the sweet spot between the sexual revolution starting and contraception becoming available to unmarried women. If you were pregnant and didn't get married or have parents who would support you, adoption was the only way.
She believed thousands of Kiwi women had done what she did and went to Australia to "escape their shame".
Justice Minister Amy Adams was reported in March saying she had no plans for an inquiry. She believed other issues that affect more New Zealanders like domestic violence law reforms would take priority.
Flack called that time a social experiment that shouldn't have happened. She's never gotten over it.
The treatment the young mums received at the time was inhumane, Flack said. They weren't allowed to make eye contact with their babies in case they bonded with them, they signed official documents when many of them were so young they needed parental permission and they were given no rights to get in touch with the birth family.
Flack said they were "brainwashed into believing they had no worth and that their babies did not belong to them".
"We were told to get on with our lives. To just pretend it didn't happen. Have other children that will take their place.
"We had other children but nothing took their place. We did get on with our lives, but we never forgot. There was this gaping hole where that child should have been."
Ten years after Flack had her first son everything had changed - social welfare benefits were introduced, contraception was available to everyone, social housing was set up for solo mums and mindsets had changed to believe unwed mums should care for their children.
After the adoption Flack didn't have a relationship for 14 years. She believed she was too heartbroken. She met her now-husband Tim when she was 34 and they had two children.
Her son was 21 when Flack reached out to him for the first time. Her caseworker gave him a letter from her but he wasn't ready to make contact. Two years later he changed his mind. After a phone call Flack flew to Sydney to meet him.
"It was very, very exciting, and very, very disappointing."
Flack quickly realised that her son had deep abandonment issues. She still doesn't think he has forgiven her for what happened.
Since then they've maintained a fragile relationship.
Flack also wanted other adoptive mums to know that they can get all of their case notes and documents back from the adoption process in Australia, including the birth certificate.
