Jim Hopkins: little wizardry needed to get us to Oz

John Key may as well concede defeat to Julia Gillard unless we change our game plan. Photo / Greg Bowker

Hi ho, hi ho
It's off to court we go
We'll raise your rates
To pay our mates
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
Hi hoo, hi hoo,
Have we got news for you
You'll pay full price
For our advice Yes, you.
That's who. It's you. - (Happy singing overheard behind closed doors in the underfunded offices of the Independent Statutory (Maori Advisory) Board).

Australian Prime Minister addresses NZ Parliament (out of hours 'cos the Green Party had a tanty) - news item.

FFF - face facts, folks. We're stuffed. Knackered even. The day Aussie's top ocker came here for a chat, 100 of us went the other way. She stayed 17 hours in the Little Apple then went home. But our 100 ain't coming back. They're gone. For keeps. Plus another 100 today and 100 tomorrow and 100 the day after - or maybe 50 or 60. The numbers don't matter. The trend does.

Julia Gillard knows she's won - Russel Norman's living here, remember. She can afford to let our Granny Smiths in because she's also getting Granny's sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, cousins, uncles and grandchildren too, by the flippin' Airbus load. We ship what we pick. She just takes her pick.

But let's suppose Ms Gillard didn't know she'd won before she arrived. All she'd have to do is pick up a paper - any paper - and before she could say, "Jeez, Shane, no wonder they're leaving" it would be immediately apparent why her country's winning. By default. By defect. And by de sheer b****y stupidity of what we're doing to ourselves.

Every day, every front page is a free ad for Ok Imm - the Australian Immigration Service. They don't need to spend a brass razoo getting Kiwis to move. As long as the presses keep rolling, we'll keep coming, cobber.

Imagine you were from Mars - or Tasmania (the two are often confused). Consider how you'd react to the various prepostrophes we've seen this week: Green Leaders of Joint Party unhappy about gummint buying Beemers Oh, please! You wanted the b****y things in the first place, drongos.

Reckoned they had the smallest carbon footprint, yes? And wouldn't make endangered snails cough. Now you don't care about the snails. Listen, Green leaders of the Joint Party, a lot of us out in lentil land are sobbing into our gluten-free breadmakers right now. We're shocked by your callous u-turn. This country belongs to the snails. Snails are more important than anything!!

... except the Board. No! No! Not the Board! Anything but the Board. ("Quick, Ethyl. We're off to Oz!!) And rightly so.

Emigration may be the only way we'll rid ourselves of these pestilent priests - not the Board itself but the mandarins who manufactured it and seem determined to embroil us in yet another silly, snarkey, mean-spirited, bungled and bungling race-based wrangle:

Board backs budget battle - court case coming. Julia would've seen that. She probably wondered what the hell was going on.

Don't ask, pumpkin. Just be grateful we're doing it. You will get more Aussies out of it. They'll be arriving before the case goes to court, Julia, let alone gets appealed. Which it will. We know it will, before the lawyers have even filed their first invoice. We just don't know what weird ruling may emerge from the judicial process.

If someone had shown Ms Gillard the latest edition of The Dinkum Kiwi Dictionary, she'd have seen court defined as a place where repeat violent offenders are let out because society's been horrid to them, thus giving us this week's most abhorrent headline: Killer on bail when murder committed.

Would some lonely backbencher care to promote a Private Member's Bill: Three Bails and you're out? Properly drafted, it would make one thing clear to the beaks: "Get it wrong and you're gone!"

When in doubt, leave 'em in, your honours. If you don't and violence is done, then so are you! See ya later. Collect your Super at the door.

Be positive! It may happen. Ten years from now, when you're relaxing on the patio in Parramatta, you may get a call from Gobzone: "Guess what's happened!"

"What?"

"The judges can't let killers out on bail any more. And the Independent Statutory Board case is going to appeal at the United Nations World Court."

"Gee, that's quick!"

Something the Aussies don't need to be. They just need to wait for SmartGate - the new electronic, borderless travel arrangements coming soon to an airport near you - and most of us will be there in six months!

It's been clear for decades that our elite are at odds with the hoi polloi on big issues like crime and punishment and multiculturalism. Ordinary people don't agree with the academics or the bureaucrats they educate then release to run the country. Forget who's right or wrong. The conflict is corrosive. And continuing. Julia will have seen ample evidence of that this week. In Egypt, they riot. Here, we just emigrate.

We protest with our passports. Because we can. Big ups for Julia. Whatever happens at the Rugby World Cup, her team's won. And will keep on winning till we change our national game plan.