Jim Hopkins: Lift your double standards and go eco-crusading

Fossil fuel protesters ironically consume the very products they're worried about. Photo / Greenpeace

Here begins the secret diary of Mimsy Borogrove, eco-crusader. I'll keep it with me, wrapped in (biodegradable) plastic bags. Then, if we're sunk by the evil oil barons, people will discover the her-oic story of my struggle. Now read on ...

Wednesday, April 6 Posted messages on U-Twit and Face Tube so everyone can follow us while we're all at sea, fighting the fossil fuel foe. I hope the brave people in Libya know we're sharing their struggle against an evil regime. Why should we look for oil here when we can use theirs? No one's asked the whales, have they? No, they haven't. Typical!

Thursday, April 7 Off to Gisborne to meet my comrades. Asked Mum if she'd drive me but she said, "Are you mad? With the price of petrol now, I can't afford to take the car out of the garage, let alone Gisborne.

"You should hitchhike, Mimsy. That'll stop global warming!" Honestly! Some people are sooooo short-sighted!"

"Don't you realise we're saving the planet, Mum?" I said. She said she didn't have time to save the planet, she was going to bridge.

Friday, April 10 Met the iwi whanau in Gisborne today. They're joining us in the battle against the vile marine polluters who could maybe, possibly harm some endangered snails if they ever start drilling for oil some time perhaps.

The iwi took us all for a hangi. Maori people are sooooo spiritual, aren't they? It's just lovely how they see the world.

I was talking to Irihapeti O'Reilly and she said "Honi soit qui mal y pense". Isn't that beautiful. Gosh, I wish I could speak Maori.

Saturday, April 9 At last! We're sailing, to quote Rod Stewart. (Should have that on my iPod!) Dwayne says there's lots of petrochemicals in an iPod but he's a mechanic so what would he know?

I told him to concentrate on fixing the engine because that's his job on board. I don't think he's one of us, really. Had a great sing-along tonight. I'm sure singing is good for the environment.

Sunday, April 9 Saw my first dolphin today. It swam right up beside our boat, and looked straight at me. It was saying "Thank you, Mimsy. Thank you." I know it was. I think I may have been a marine mammal in a past life.

Monday, April 11 Everyone's talking about that horrid man, Damien O'Connor. Fancy complaining about "a gaggle of gays and self-interested unionists" just because he didn't get picked!

He should be on the Prohibited List, not the Party List. Old people are soooo reactionary!

If he was out here with us, in his wet suit, fighting the eco-toxic-oil-polluters, I'd put a potato in his snorkel, that's for sure. Try breathing then, Mr Damien smartipants!

Monday, April 11 (later) Up on deck to commune with the moon (and because I was feeling a bit sick)! Bumped into Dwayne. He was talking to somebody on his cellphone but stopped when he saw me. We had an argument about using the ship's microwave.

He said it was powered by a diesel generator but I told him we were turning that diesel into clean electricity before we used it and electricity doesn't hurt the planet one little bit, so there!

Monday, April 11 (later still) Just been very sick. Don't think I polluted the ocean too much!

Dwayne said I shouldn't throw up over the side, it would attract the sharks!! I hope he's joking because we're doing our first swim tomorrow!!!

Tuesday, April 12 Fantastic day! The Air Force couldn't stop us. The Navy couldn't stop us. The Police couldn't stop us!

We had our first protest swim right in front of the Orient Explorer. Ha! That'll teach Petrobras not to do seismic surveys in our waters!!

The IRBs were great. They took us right over and we just dived in. Dwayne says we should have used oars, not the outboard motor because it runs on petrol but the normal rules don't apply to eco-crusaders, do they?

Sometimes you have to be a wee bit hypocritical when you're making a really important point, don't you? I'm beginning to think Dwayne may be an SIS mole.

Wednesday, April 13 Great news! Hone Harawira is backing us. Isn't that terrific? People are bound to take us seriously now! Hone says our protest is "a modern-day Bastion Point" - and he should know, because he wasn't there either.

Thursday, April 14 More swimming today. Too tired to write much. At least Petrobras has stopped testing. Dwayne seems grumpy.

Friday, April 15 Whoopee!! We've won!!! Petrobras are sailing away! They've stopped testing! Going where people want them, apparently! This is marvellous!!

We've saved the planet! And New Zealand! Now we can all embrace the purity of poverty. Bill English should give us a medal.

If he thinks low wages are good, we've just pushed them even lower! I think I'll become a full-time eco-warrior when I get home. I can quit my job and go on a benefit. For the planet! Well, you've got to make sacrifices, don't you?