KEY POINTS:
Well, bless my soul, what's this we see? Sir Howard wants to rock the House as an MP. Yeah! We're all shook up. Or, more precisely, we were all shook up. Last week. When we briefly dared hope our most megasome megastar might become a politician.
Alas, we soon learnt Sir Howard had spurned both money and membership.
But cheer up, raging rockers. It seems the renowned librettist, Sir Andrew Loud-Warbler, also wants to see the great man in politics and is working on Parliament - The Musical. Here is a brief synopsis.
SCENE 1: Somewhere out West, the famous Quartet is pounding out My Old Man's An All Black when, suddenly, the singer, Howard van Morrison (name changed to capture the immigrant vote) flings his kazoo aside. "That's it!" he yells. "I'm accepting Owen's offer. I'm going to take the money and run!"
Distressed, the band begins a soulful warning, based on the Animals' hit House of the Rising Sun:
There is a house of ill repute,
Down there in Wellington
It's been the ruin of many a poor soul
And, Howard, you'll be one.
Undeterred, Howard responds with his own version of Cliff Richards' Summer Holiday:
Me and Owen want a
Summit holiday
Passing laws we've always wanted to
Me and Owen want a
Cabinet member's pay
It's a dream come tr-u-u-u-e ...
And off he goes, humming a take on Chim Chimminy from Mary Poppins:
Min minister, Min minister
Like Winston P
$1,000,000 on travel
Yup! That sounds like me.
SCENE 2: In Parliament, Howie wonders who to join. He opens the Greens' door to find Sue Kedgely and the Lentil Singers (played by the Presbyterian General Assembly) performing a famous hymn:
All things bright and beautiful
All pleasures great and small
All things non-recyclable
We want to ban them all.
Howard doesn't like this approach. Anxious to recruit him, Sue Bradford (played by Elton John) offers another musical inducement, based on the Ray Charles classic:
Hit the road, smack
And don't you bum whack no more,
Hit the road, smack
And don't you bum whack no mo-o-ore.
"I'm not sure," says Howard as he unwittingly strays into a press conference hosted by sequined Health Minister, David Cunliffe, (played by the late Fred Mercury) who's belting out a rocking sequel to Heartbreak Hotel:
Whenever I get bossy
And gripped with misery
I take a trip down angry street
And sack a DHB!!!!
Hawkes Bay is a goner, baby etc, etc.
Excited as he contemplates exercising such power, Howard hears the lusty voices of the Gerry Brownlee Singers (played by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir) with their own take on the Monkees' Take The Last Train:
It's the last term in Clarksville
And were feeling such elation
Cos very soon John Key will be
The leader of this nation.
"Sounds great," says Howard, "but I must check the rest." He rushes to the Maori Party where Hone Harawira (played by George Clooney) has revised Michael, Row The Boat Ashore:
Michael stole the whole foreshore
He's a racist ...
"That's enough, Hone!" snaps the beautiful Tariana (played by Amy Winehouse). "You're not in Australia now!"
Howard falls instantly in love. The stage darkens as he refreshes Maria from West Side Story:
Tu-ria
I've just met a girl called Tu-ria
And suddenly I see
How M. M. Peacefully, I feel ...
They hold hands and kiss. Howard knows where he belongs.
SCENE 3: In Parliament, the gorgeous Speaker, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa (brilliantly played by the equally gorgeous Hayley Westenra) begins the vital Budget debate with a bang of her gavel and an operatic remake of Nessun Dorma:
Let's have Order
Lets have Order ...
Stilled, the House gives Finance Minister, Michael Cullen (played by rapster, Scribe) its undivided attention. And he gives The Sound of Music's Do, A Deer a fiscal feel:
Dough, the stuff we like to tax
Pay, the thing that makes you glum
Me, the guy who raids your purse
Farce, is what it's all become
So, you're heading off to Oz
The land where Kiwis flock to go
To pay less tax on what they earn
And that brings me back to etc, etc
Delirious Government members rise in acclamation. A blushing Helen Clark (played by Nicole Kidman) whispers in Howard's ear. "This is your cue," she says, pointing proudly to Dr Cullen. "You know the song. Now sing it, baby!!!"
Having finally found his purpose in life, Howard steps from the shadows and begins, as bidden, How great thou art ...
