James Griffin: What the devil is wrong here?

According to James Griffin, little devils are actually the ones running super Auckland. Photo / Dean Purcell

Y'know, I think I'm starting to figure Auckland out. I've only lived here for 30-odd years, but finally I'm starting to get a handle on how the city runs itself. I'm not talking here about anything to do with the Super City concept. All those involved in Super City governance are only the fools who think they run the city. I know differently.

For Auckland is run by devils. Yes, devils, as in little devilish creatures who reside in hell and exist only to torment those of us who walk upon the face of Earth, trying to go about our business in an orderly and stress-free manner. The devils who run Auckland do not like the concepts of "orderly" and "stress-free".

Hell, in my version, has little to do with fire and brimstone. Instead it is a corporate hell, a great towering tower full of little devils beavering away devilishly. The top of the tower of hell is where the big cheese devils work - those in charge of global evils like famine, pestilence and Starbucks. The further down the tower you go, the lesser the devil who works there. The devils who run Auckland are down in the basement.

And how, exactly, do I know this? Just look around, people.

Auckland traffic, to state the most obvious example, is obviously controlled by devils. There is no other explanation. Yes, mankind is trying its best to beat the traffic devils, by building a complex system of motorways and tunnels and what-not. But the traffic devils are always working against them. They sneak in when no one is watching to make sure that car breaks down in precisely the right spot on the motorway to back up traffic for kilometres. They are the ones who short-phase the traffic lights so that only three cars can get through on any given green light. They are the ones who put lines of orange cones everywhere for no other reason than to confuse the heck out of everyone.

And the devils also exacerbate the chaos on Auckland's roads by infiltrating the legion of human road users trying to legitimately make their way round this fair Super City. Auckland's disproportionate prevalence of red light-runners? Devils, out joyriding. The morons who ignore pedestrian crossings? Devilish scum. Double-parkers, spontaneous U-turners and non-indicating lane-changers? Devils, devils, devils, all working as part of the fiendish plan to push the stress levels of human Auckland road-users to road-rage levels.

And once you get off the roads the devilry doesn't end. Those fiendishly expensive downtown carparking buildings where the spaces are just too narrow for you to get out of your car comfortably? The parking ticket vending machines that spit out your bank-notes and never give you a receipt when you ask for one? All the work of devils. The Auckland weather is categorically, undeniably controlled by a devil. This devil sits alone, at a desk, in a little, grey, partitioned-off workspace. The only thing this devil has on its desk is one of those novelty decision-making devices that you spin and which normally comes up with answers like "yes", "no", "have another coffee" and so forth. Except this novelty decision-making device has states of weather written on it: "rain", "sun", "gale force winds", "hail" and so forth.

And all day long the devil sits at its desk, spinning the novelty decision-making device. And whatever it stops at will be the Auckland weather at that given moment. Sun/rain/sun again/thunder and lightning/sun yet again/drizzle and so on. Some days, when the devil is really bored, it will spin the device really frequently, making Auckland weather the special thing it is.

Look around. Look at the things that blight Super Auckland and tell me there is a more rational explanation than a conspiracy of devils controlling everything. The lack of both car-parking and public transport access to the Vector Arena? Devilish in the extreme. A beautiful downtown waterfront that no one is allowed to use unless they are driving one of those things that loads and unloads containers? And the promises that one day the Auckland waterfront will be "for the people" that somehow never quite seem to be fulfilled? Fiendish devilry. The sudden proliferation of skanky (and leaky) apartment buildings in the neo-Stalinist, brutalist architectural style? Need I say any more?

Actually I probably shouldn't. I'm sure, being devils and all, they won't like it if they realise their existence has been tumbled. So I might go and hide under my desk for a while and hope they can't find me there.

Unless the weather-making novelty decision-making device is turned to "tornado" and lifts the roof off my house, of course. I wouldn't put it past the little devils.