KEY POINTS:
The all-you-can-eat sporting smorgasbord that is the Olympic Games is about to be heaped upon us. As much handball, tae kwon do, canoeing, trampolining and wrestling as anyone could possibly need to keep then going for the next four years will very soon be coming our way, courtesy of our friends in China, the human rights capital of the world. Boo ya!
Actually, I'm a bit worried about these Olympics. Not because of the politics or the smog or the drug cheats or the commercialisation or the very real possibility that we might not win very many medals and the bloody Aussies will probably win heaps - although those are also very good reasons to fear for the state of the Olympic dream (and our national pride).
No, I'm worried about the Olympics of Beijing 2008 because I fear that they're not going to be much fun. Call it a hunch, but I suspect everyone is going to take it all just that little bit too seriously. The athletes, the coaches, the administrators, the organisers, the vast military presence, the pro-democracy demonstrators, the drug-cheat chemists back in the labs developing new and untraceable steroids ... yep, I'm pretty sure none of these people are going to be treating the Olympics like it's a day out at Rainbow's End.
Which is, I think, a pity. Maybe I'm naive but I think the Olympics should be about fun. Apparently the International Olympic Committee also shares my naivety because it says right there in their Olympic Charter that "Olympism seeks to create a way of life based on the joy found in effort." Okay, sure, fun through effort isn't everyone's idea of fun, but it is, apparently, the kind of fun that the people who compete in Olympics should be having - but which I suspect they're not.
This is why Auckland should strike now and launch a bid for the 2016 Olympic Games - to try and bring fun back into the Olympic movement. Right from the laughable idea that Auckland could even host an Olympic Games, we're already streets ahead - as long as fun is the only criteria the IOC takes into account when deciding who will host the 2016 Games. Sure, money is usually quite an important criterion, but by not having any money I feel we can take this element out of play, allowing more focus to fall on the "fun" aspects of our proposal.
So how will Auckland 2016 differ from the bloated celebration of corporate consumerism we're used to with the Olympics? Well, for starters, we won't have any stadiums. This is, in part, because Auckland doesn't really have what you'd call an actual stadium, but mainly it is because why do we need a stadium when we've got some great wide open spaces in which the athletes can all run around or ride their bikes or grapple each other if that's what they're into?
Imagine, if you will, a lovely Auckland summer's day in 2016 and thousands of people are packing into the Domain to watch the final of the men's 100m final. Everyone is spreading out their picnic blankets and sitting in their deckchairs, eating their packed lunches as the genetically engineered Jamaicans, Americans and, oddly, a lone Mongolian sprinter warm up under a tree.
Then, when the volunteer ladies holding the tape across the finish line are ready, the starter fires his cap-gun and everyone cheers as the sprinters rip along the grass. Afterwards, as the Mongolian anthem rings out, everyone stands up to stretch their legs and eat the official asparagus rolls of the 2016 Olympics. Wouldn't that be a fun way to spend a lovely Auckland afternoon?
We could hold the swimming at the Tepid Baths because it's a lovely old building. We could incorporate the marathon in with the Round the Bays so the spectators actually feel like they're part of the event - because they are. The basketball could be staged at various courts in parks all around Auckland. Clevedon would, of course, be a nice place for the horses to run around and the sparkling Waitemata would do us proud when it comes to any event that needs a large body of water.
Also, as host, we could add some sports of our own to further give the event some local flavour. Baking, I feel, is long overdue as an Olympic event. Also shearing and ploughing could make their inaugural appearances.
I honestly think that Auckland 2016 would be great for the Olympic movement; to bring it back (often literally) to the grass roots of sport. From the opening ceremony down at the Viaduct to the closing night party at Waiwera hot pools, this would be an Olympics the whole world would be talking about. The campaign starts now.
