Don't get me wrong, Your Queenliness, the Republican debate I can deal with. The whole gamut of issues surrounding whether or not you, our exalted Queen, should be New Zealand's Head of State in the 21st century, when our antipodean ties to the Empire have long since been cut and when the English rugby team is universally despised on these shores as the most boring team on the planet; all this stuff I can deal with in my sleep.
Trust me, when it comes to anti-monarchist sentiment, Your Majesteriality, I've got your back all the way.
But as of late some of the royal opposition has become distinctly more deviant in nature, to the point where not one but two prominent media figures here have attacked me personally - not personally, as in physically personally (although in the case of one of them I wouldn't put it past him), but verbally and publicly - to the degree where I must now wonder if such attacks on me, as your representative in the isles, are in fact an attack on your royal personage and, therefore, a treasonable act.
Traitor #1, as I now call him, seemed to believe that because I don't look like Sir Edmund Hillary, I am somehow not a New Zealander, even though I very clearly ticked the "must be a New Zealander" box on the Governor-General job application form. To cast such doubt on your regal abilities to choose someone from the same actual country to be Governor-General is surely borderline treason, at the very least - isn't it?
Traitor #2, meanwhile, has (metaphorically at least) punched me in the tummy with remarks about my tummy and body-type. In fact, the word "fat" was bandied about, along with the implication that I am unable to do my job because I am perpetually "at the buffet table". Surely, if calling the Governor-General fat isn't treason, I don't know what is.
Publicly, I have withstood the attacks on my character with, I feel, exceeding good grace. But just between you and me, Your Most Highness, every now and then I feel the rage towards the damage these buffoons have caused to your good name and I do wonder if there aren't some residual Royal Powers you might have at your disposal to truly punish these heretics once and for all.
For instance, I have been thinking a lot, lately, of the many and various means of torture royal families used to inflict upon those who opposed/betrayed/annoyed them. My favourites here include the Pear of Anguish, the Judas Cradle and the Virgin of Nuremberg. I am sure if any of these devices were used on either of the traitors that a good number of my fellow New Zealanders would have no problem with this. So, Your Magnificence, if there are any arcane laws you can enact to make this so, just give me a call and I'll set the ball rolling.
But if medieval-style torture is too extreme for the modern monarchy, Your Splendiferousness, there are always my reserve powers (or my super powers as I like to think of them). How would you feel, just hypothetically, if I were to dismiss current Prime Minister John Key, in favour of a Prime Minister more willing to punish the traitors with, say, long prison sentences? I'm thinking that current Leader of the House Gerry Brownlee - no stranger to the buffet table himself - may be our man; especially when it comes to severely punishing those who make weightist comments. Do you think that might send a message?
These are just ideas I'm floating here, Ma'am, so if you have anything better up your sleeve, please let me know. Maybe you have some contacts in MI6 who can discreetly take care of the problem? I don't know - and it is possibly best I don't know, in this instance. Like I say, I feel when a Governor-General is attacked that the whole monarchist system comes under attack. This act of war should not go unpunished. But that's just me, thinking out loud.
Anyway, love to the family and the corgis.
Regards from your loyal (and maligned) servant,
Sir A.
