James Griffin: Ingredients for some tasty TV

James Griffin. Photo / Dean Purcell

As has traditionally been my tradition, this time of year, in years past, this is the annual column where I share with the reality TV producers of Aotearoa (and anywhere else in the world if they want to buy them) my ideas for can't- miss reality TV shows that will look good on any network, in 2011.

I like to get my ideas out there, in the "marketplace" as it were, at this time of year, while the reality TV producers are sunning themselves on their super-yachts and are probably in quite a receptive frame of mind or, even better, drunk and open to suggestion. Sure, this is a strategy that has resoundingly not worked for me ever, but I'm quietly confident this year's crop of ideas will buck that trend.

And I'm deliberately using the word "crop" here because 2011 is the year where food and reality TV meet. Actually, they met a long time ago and the whole Masterchef thing has done quite well, but what is important is that we need to gloss over these minor details in order to truly savour the delectable nature of my food-based reality TV show ideas, rather than that old crap.

My first idea is called What If I Ate That? In this show Petra Bagust shows us what happens to our bodies (and our general state of health) when we eat things that aren't traditionally considered food - like pencils or a Ford Focus or enriched uranium. It will be both educational (in a 'don't ever eat this' way) and entertaining (as we watch what happens to unsuspecting members of the public when they eat stuff they really shouldn't).

In Marcus Lush's Kitchens, Marcus Lush will wander randomly into kitchens up and down New Zealand. He will then sit in the corner being enigmatic, asking his usual brand of elliptical questions and generally annoying whoever is trying to cook in said kitchen. When the meal is finally prepared, Marcus will try a mouthful, say something insightful about the food, then walk out without offering to do the dishes.

Reality TV where a professional TV bully harasses real people to become better parents or to manage their finances or to lose weight for the sake of their health and also for general TV entertainment purposes is a very popular sub-genre of the whole reality uber-genre. My show in this neck of the woods is called Eat Your Vegetables, You Ungrateful Little Brat! The title is pretty self-explanatory (the scariest TV personality in New Zealand is sent into average Kiwi home to force children to eat broccoli) so all I need for this show to be a mega-hit is to pick the right scary celebrity. Oliver Driver is on my list, as is Paul Henry of course, but right now I'm thinking Colin Mathura-Jeffree as a more left-field flavour of terrifying.

Cannibalism is always a tricky subject when it comes to cooking shows but I think I may have found a way round the taboos generally associated with humans eating other humans. Parliamentary Roast is a bit like This is Your Life in that it will be event TV, rather than a weekly show (otherwise we'd run out of MPs and we couldn't have that now, could we?)

In Parliamentary Roast every time an MP does something stupid that leads to them getting booted out of Parliament, instead of holding a very expensive by-election we get the candidates wanting to take his/her place to cook a nutritious and appetising meal using a body part of the outgoing MP along with three random vegetables. A panel of celebrity chefs - Simon Gault, Peter Gordon, Annabel Langbein et al - will then taste the dishes, pick their favourite and that chef will get to be the new MP.

(The only problem I can see with Parliamentary Roast thus far is that the threat of dismemberment and being roasted may lead to a marked improvement in MP behaviour, as they think twice before they do something stupid, but I'm relying on the natural MP inclination towards stupidity to win out at least 2 to 3 times a year.)

So there we have it; food, as they say, for thought. (I'd love it if there was an idea in there that involved both food and models but I can't see any way of those two opposing worlds meshing just yet. I will keep working on it.) As is the case every year, the highest bidder - or just any bidder - will secure the right to bring these genius ideas to the screen, and inevitably to take their place in the Reality TV Hall of Fame. The all-you-can-eat banquet starts here, reality TV producers of Aoetaroa, so dig in!