James Griffin: A right royal fight for freedom

James Griffin. Photo / Dean Purcell

Catherine Elizabeth Middleton, or "Kate" as she was known before she became a Princess only hours earlier, was simply glad to be alone for a change - and to finally sit down for a bit. It had been a big day of waving and smiling and marriage vows and more waving and standing on balconies while waving and kissing in front of the whole world, plus her shoes were killing her.

A polite knock at the door and William enters. He kisses her, gently. It is nice kissing her husband without the whole world watching. But William isn't here for the fooling around, there is something he needs to tell his wife, the newest Princess in the world.

"Darling, there's something you need to know about my family - not about the hereditary blood-related disorders we carry after many centuries of regal inbreeding among the royal families of Europe, but about who we are and what we really do. It's something everyone who marries into my family learns on their wedding day. It is something you need to make a decision about, I'm afraid."

"You see, my darling Kate, the perception of my family as an arcane, slightly useless, but kind of fun to have around, giant waste of time and the taxpayer's money, couldn't be further from the truth. The public perception of royalty as a bumbling, outdated institution is actually a carefully crafted smokescreen to hide our true nature."

And William took the hand of his beloved, and looked deep into her eyes. Kate's heart was racing, yet she felt strangely calm. After a few seconds of gazing, William spoke again.

"The family you have joined today, Kate, is in reality, a band of freedom fighters, using any and every means at our considerable disposal to bring truth and justice to a world gone mad."

"Sorry?" said Kate, clearly thrown by this revelation.

"Think about it, Honey-bear. Being a Royal opens every door, enables you to cross every border. We are welcomed into every palace in every land, where we smile and wave and shake hands and nod meaningfully and suffer through speech after boring speech. But then, after the banquet, when everyone thinks we're tucked up in our beds, the real work begins as we don our commando gear and night-vision goggles and, under cover of darkness, go about our true business of making the world a better and safer place to live."

"Yes, my sweet, the family you joined today, all of us, even Prince Philip, are highly trained warriors for good. Tyrants everywhere have fallen as a result of our covert operations and deep-cover intervention. We are MI6-trained and licensed to kill. There are 57 things in this room, Pumpkin, I could use to terminate you, right here and now, if I chose to do so."

Kate's heart was racing even faster than it had been.

"When you say all your family ... ?"

"Yes, even Fergie. Her public persona as a complete waste of space is a carefully crafted cover. The real reason she wasn't invited to the wedding is that she is single-handedly toppling the dictatorial rulers of North Africa. Incredible as it seems, Mubarek was all down to her."

William got down on one knee, much like he had when he proposed, and looked even deeper into her eyes.

"When someone marries into my family, Buttercup, they are given a choice. To train and join us in our quest or to live the fairy tale but incredibly dull life of a monarch - oblivious to the real world and our real purpose thanks to a powerful memory-suppressing cup of tea. The choice is yours, Honeypot."

There was an elephant in the room and they both knew it. "Is it dangerous?" asked Kate. "Your mother, was she ... ?"

"Assassinated? No - and yes. Princess Diana chose the civilian path but still fell prey to our sworn enemies: the tabloid press. Every year, on the anniversary of her death, we take out a hack in her honour. So will you join us, darling? Will you join us on our holy mission to bring all things right and proper and British and civilised to this world? The Royal yacht Britannia has a really cool mini-sub, if that helps."

"Of course, of course I will, my little walrus," replied Kate, taking him into her arms.

And as William fell into her embrace, shedding a proud little tear, Katya Mihalovich, aka Kate Middleton, the most successful sleeper agent in Russian foreign intelligence history, smiled - everything was going exactly to plan.