James Griffin: 2011: the year of the useful apps

James Griffin. Photo / Dean Purcell

So that's just about it then, 2010-wise. We'll just get the Christmas thing out of the way, then the year of our Lord 2010 will be, historically speaking, history. Bye bye and all that, and will 2011 enter and sign in please.

Bit of a pity really, because I quite liked 2010 as a year. Not for anything that happened (or didn't happen), but mainly because I liked the sound of 2010. Twenty-ten? Simple, rolled off the tongue quite readily; much better than twenty-eleven will do. Okay this is probably not the greatest reason under the sun to feel fondness for any given year, but I'm working with what I've got here, okay?

Now obviously we don't get a say in what calendar year follows what other year or if we'd like to repeat the same-numbered year just because we like the sound of it, like repeating 6th form. So move on we must, into 2011 - or the year of the Rugby World Cup, as it seems to be being billed already, like nothing else of any importance is likely to take place over the 365 days that will start with 20 and end in 11.

This is wrong, because there are heaps of excellent things, other than rugby-related stuff, that are going to happen in 2011. I know this for a fact because there are several (to quote Jack Black in just about every film he's ever made) "awesome" ideas I've been working on in my head that I'm sure will come to fruition in the forthcoming year.

A button on the dashboard of your car that you push when you want to parallel park without looking like a spatially- challenged dingle-dongle, is high on my agenda. Push the button and the car takes over the whole backing/turning/straightening process, so you can sit back and enjoy the ride without the fear of running the tyre up on the kerb while the nose of the car is still at a 45-degree angle to the footpath. Mid-June 2011 I'm picking for this to launch.

For the blokes, some kind of warning device that lets your trousers warn you when your fly is undone is also on the drawing board. Yes, I'll confess that I'm having a few technical issues in sorting out how the message gets from the trousers to the person in the trousers. My initial experiments with flashing lights and sirens tended to draw attention to the gaping chasm in the trouser-front, rather than subtly alerting the wearer to their sartorial faux-pas. If my exploration into subtle electrical stimulation to the testicles works out okay (and doesn't cause sterility) I'm hoping to have this on the market by Father's Day.

I'm also working with Apple on a few iPhone applications that will revolutionise everyday life. In association with Google maps I'll be coming out with a guide to finding dairies that don't use plastic bags that are too small for the number of items you are buying. Be warned; there aren't many of these dairies, but my app will guide you to them. May 2011 at the latest, for sure.

I have another app for when you hold the iPhone up to the television during one of those enigmatic ads that you have no idea what the hell it is they're advertising, it not only tells you the product that is being flogged but the name of the advertising agency involved. It will also direct you to the "creatives" behind the campaign so you can lambast them in person. This will hit the cyber-shelves in August 2011, following a month-long media-blitz campaign, apparently for something to do with an avocado.

The offshoot of the development of this app has been initial R&D into another app for when you hold the iPhone up to the TV when a politician is speaking it turns what they're saying into a much more honest version of what they actually mean, as interpreted by animated characters from film and TV. Seriously, I kid you not, I tried it on Winston Peters and he turned into Goofy and made more sense. When John Key was on Breakfast one morning, I hit him with the app repeatedly and every time, no matter what was coming out his mouth, he turned into one of the penguins from Madagascar saying "smile and wave boys, smile and wave" over and over again. It was eerie but if I think the market is ready for the truth, if it can handle the truth, this will be big, come Christmas 2011.

So there you go: 2011, the year of more than just rugby. In the future, when they look back at this time, these words will never ring more true: you heard it here first.