Jake Bailey: Mastering the fine art of acceptance

It should be the perfect bolthole to self-isolate, if it hasn't been washed away. Photo / 123RF

COMMENT:

Well, there's only one thing to talk about isn't there? Are we really able to ignore the pandemic-shaped elephant in the room? How about the recession-shaped tiger in the corner? I thought not, so let's get on with it.

Instead of just sitting here and musing on what peculiar times we find ourselves in, which I could do ad infinitum, I wanted to write about the psychology that underpins such an event.

An event like this brings disruption, confusion and uncertainty. These in turn naturally bring fear.

This fear we are facing is, at its core, a fear of being in a situation we have no control over. More than that, it is an inability to come to terms with how delicately balanced our life is around us - the fact we have always been just this untethered, and that any sense of safety we have built up is no more than an illusion. To have what we had become accustomed to treating as solid ground begin to shift around us, things we had taken for granted now taken from us, is predictably stomach-churning.

In these periods of disruption, confusion and uncertainty, people seek multitudes of ways to both minimise and distract from their fear.

The actions which people undertake to try and mask and distract from this fear are also fairly predictable and easily understood. They are what you can see around you currently: panic buying and hoarding, to give a sense of safety; and uneducated future-telling or prophesising, regardless of whether optimistic or pessimistic, to give a sense of certainty.

Most of us are "guilty" of at least one of them in one way or another, although they're fairly harmless at this level, except as a gateway to their older siblings who appear in times of true crisis: looting and pillaging of essential goods, and the spread of misinformation.

As a tool for dealing with the negative emotions though, they're pretty well useless. Much like anything in life people use to mask or numb negative emotions, the benefits are temporary, the cycle becomes repetitive, the person becomes reliant. It is escapism from an inescapable reality.

So, what is there to be done that can truly assist in fostering resilience in this time which will undoubtedly result in great suffering for many, if not most, whether that be financial loss, the loss of a loved one, or at the very least the loss of a sense of safety and subsequent loss of sleep?

There is only one possible path through to be found - it is acceptance.

Remember to ACT: Accept the situation, Choose a direction, Take action. Photo / 123rf

A story always comes to mind for me when I think of the power of acceptance and the ability to differentiate skilfully between situations you can and cannot control, and let the latter roll over you. I hesitate to tell it often, because people are often left with a sour taste in their mouth, when that is far from my intentions.

A few years ago, I spoke at a rather lavish event in Sydney. The tickets, from which the proceeds were for charity I note, started at around $2000 each - or the bargain-basement price of $15,000 for a table of 10.

Before speaking, I was taken around for introductions, chats with guests about the charity work they were undertaking, and pleasantries about the night. One of these guests was introduced to me by his personal friend as having "had a rough day", with a wry smile between them.

You see, in the storms and king tide which had battered the coastline of Sydney that day, his $7 million beachside house had been eaten by the ocean. Or at least, the front half had, and when you lose the front half of your house then you are not going to be particularly reassured by the presence of the back half.

With the waves still lapping, they explained to me what had happened, and laughed freely together about it.

I was lost for words. "But ... what about your house?" I hesitated. He stopped laughing abruptly, a look of great astonishment on his face, as though I was finally the person to have got it through to him that his multimillion-dollar asset was resting somewhere no house should ever go. He held eye contact for just long enough to make me wonder whether I had said something terribly wrong, whether perhaps I had missed the part of this story which made it all make sense, or if entirely different words had left my mouth than I intended to.

Abruptly he replied, shaking his head at me insistently as though I had missed the most basic fact of life: "Well, it is what it is."

And then, like some choreographed routine, they burst into synchronised laughter once more. I was caught off guard and left slack-jawed, until I began to chuckle as well at the absurdity of this situation.

People dislike this story when I tell it because they see it through a negative lense - the lackadaisical life of the ultra-wealthy, who take sick pleasure in destruction and loss which would cause others less fortunate an unimaginable deal of hardship.

Of course, this man was in a fortunate position of being able to laugh at his own misfortune. But that is to miss the purpose of the story altogether. The man still had the choice of whether to laugh or not, whether to accept or whether to fight a situation out of his control. He chose to accept and make the best of it, despite the suffering that had befallen him (of which the relative scale to an average person is irrelevant). As far as a crisis mindset goes, that is truly unbeatable.

I've effectively become unemployed this week as schools cancel assemblies and begin to look at shutting, conferences are cancelled, and trans-Tasman travel would net me a cumulative 28 days in isolation for a single public speaking event. As I ponder where things go from here, which is of course to do nothing more than speculate about things which are impossible to know, I'll be adopting a mindset of acceptance.

Remember to ACT: Accept the situation, Choose a direction, Take action. Note this does not mean: Announce the apocalypse is nigh, Curl up and Cry, Toilet paper hoard immediately.