Within the family: Your anxieties affect those around you too

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

There is nothing astounding in saying that many, perhaps most, of us live in a stressful environment these days. Books and articles abound on how to handle stress.

Stress is said to double our chances of contracting disease. It has been identified as a significant factor in couple and family breakdown, and general misery in the workplace.

However, it is not just an individual problem which can be resolved through jogging and a good diet. Our stress hurts others.

We need to recognise that some stress is a necessary part of human motivation, energy and fulfilled living. Our health can be as upset by lack of stress as by too much.

At its source stress is the readiness of body, mind and emotional state to face a challenge. When a person's resources to face that challenge - skills, energy, money, time - are equal to the challenge, stress is stimulating and life-enhancing.

It is when our resources do not match the challenge of our circumstances that we experience the kind of stress that sets us back.

So all the things that we usually associate with a crowded and demanding schedule are not of themselves damaging. Long hours can pass quickly if we are absorbed in work; problems are enticing if we can imagine solutions.

It is distress which is destroying health, piece of mind, and quality relationships. Distress might be thought of as a worry which will not go away.

It won't go away because we feel we have no control over the circumstances which cause it, or lack the energy or resources to overcome it. Distress is accompanied by a sense of helplessness, which leads to anxiety, panic attacks and depression.

Worry is created in the mind's ear. We tell ourselves why we cannot overcome a trouble, with messages like, 'there is nothing I can do,' 'that's the last straw' or 'it's too hard,' thereby convincing ourselves that we have little control over our ability to act.

Research tells us that when worry repeats itself, it gains persuasive power. That's how it becomes a way of life which does not seem like a choice.

We can reduce its impact on ourselves by simply recognising what we are telling ourselves and challenging the negative message. And we can reduce the damage to our relationships by understanding the power of worry over others, and avoiding the two traps in handling it.

Worry is catching. We cannot keep it from others. So if we pretend it is not there, or minimise it, we distress others who are not allowed to discuss it.

Saying something like, "It is nothing, leave me alone!" shuts us off from each other. At the other extreme, we can talk about it ad nauseam, which maximises it, so that it seems to be more important than anything else.

This way we shut out the concerns of others, which is the same as not caring.

Some simple principles for managing worry are: challenge the mind's message; acknowledge the worry to someone else; remain interested in the concerns of others.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relations consultant and author.