Within the family: Potent forces at work in the teenage body

When it comes to misunderstanding intentions, parents and teenagers get into some interesting dynamics.

Sometimes it seems to parents as if their darling child has been taken over by an alien personality at some moment when their back was turned.

Many parents reading this will object to the implication that teenagers mean trouble.

Of course that is not the case. A huge number of teens remain easy to get along with, responsible and co-operative.

But this doesn't alter the fact that they are undergoing some major hormonal and social changes, and that some try to find their way through the changes in ways that seriously challenge the good grace of those around them.

If we adults can understand what it is that teenagers are grappling with, it may help us to avoid making things worse through our anxieties.

And remember that, when it comes to behaviour, understanding is not the same as condoning.

Consider the changes that a teenager is undergoing. We could think of teenagers as fledgling adults. They are trying their wings but are vulnerable to falling.

In previous eras, teenagers did not have this transition process. Children were practising for adult life as soon as they were old enough to be helpful.

This may still be true in some places. But on the whole in developed societies, the focus of the teen years is on education and leisure. There is more time to experiment. What is there to experiment with?

Teens are seeking independence - not total independence, but enough so that they can taste making their own decisions based on their own criteria. This can feel like a rejection of the parent. It is more accurately a rejection of a closely monitoring role the parent has previously taken.

Teens are testing boundaries by taking risks, not all of which are life-threatening. They feel things very intensely, and find themselves fascinating and sometimes depressing. This is because developmentally they are learning to reflect on themselves, and to question concepts.

They find endless ways to distinguish themselves from their parents - in clothing, political views, food preferences ... you name it.

If they are separating their identity from parents, it raises the question of where they belong. So they form alliances, crushes, new friends, all of whom take a lot of phone and internet time.

All this occurs while their bodies are growing suddenly and filling with unfamiliar hormones. They are feeling their sexuality, and trying out media images of the sexual man or woman which they have followed and imagined for years before puberty.

It's a powerful concoction of feelings, chemicals, intellectual and moral questions. They can see their families as a small part of a big world, where previously their family was their whole world.

Just when you think an alien has taken your child, the old one will re-emerge wanting a cuddle and an intimate talk. Just when you expect the closeness, you are frozen out.

The next few columns will look at some of the principles of managing your role and your child through this phase.

The overriding principle is mutual respect. You need to show it to them, as well as expect it from them.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.

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