Jasmine explains why she has to stay living with the abusive man and when she will be able to get free. Photo / Getty Images
WARNING: This story is about domestic violence and abuse
Jasmine* says her life is pure hell. She says her husband has physically assaulted her. He has raped her more times than she can recount. He verbally assaults her daily – manipulates, controls and gaslights her. Jasmine hates him and wants to leave him. But she can’t, yet. Today she explains why, sharing her story with Herald senior journalist Anna Leask in the hope of creating more understanding around domestic violence and why she – and countless other New Zealand women – cannot “just leave him”.
In the beginning, Jasmine’s relationship with Travis was “nothing but wonderful”.
“It was all perfectly fine and good,” she said.
“He was loving, he was attentive, he was kind. He showered me with gifts.
“As soon as we bought a house together – he just flipped straight away... he became increasingly abusive.
“I think looking back, there were a lot of red flags. But we ignore red flags when we want something to work.”
Jasmine said Travis has “very conservative” views on relationships – and gender roles – but it didn’t worry her at first as he was “really respectful” of her, her home and her work.
But once they were married he became “increasingly toxic” and hellbent on controlling her – from her finances to her clothes to her health and medications and where and how she eats.
She cannot even go for a walk without him right behind her.
“It’s just super control – he always wants to have the power,” she said.
The first attacks on Jasmine were verbal.
She recorded some of the vitriol – a diary of the abuse. But her husband found it while going through her things and destroyed it.
“Among much else he has said I am a c***, a b***h… that he would be better off without me, that he is only staying for the sex and that if it were not for him, I would be dead,” Jasmine explained.
“He’s said I am useless, irrational, delusional, an embarrassment; that I make a fool of myself, that I am sick and need help, that I cannot cope.
“I have let myself go… no other man would want me.”
She says Travis justifies his cruelty, saying his insults are because he loves her and he is looking after her and “helping” her because she is “weak”.
His abuse is mostly verbal, she says, but he has also injured her in physical attacks.
When she confronts him he minimises the behaviour.
“Very often his violence occurs when he does not get his way sexually,” said Jasmine.
“He has very many times forced me to have sex with me – despite my protestations – and has coerced me by saying that he will leave me.
“I have told him that sex without consent or sex by coercion is rape. He told me that he only did it a few times.
“He says it is his ‘right’ [because] I am his wife – He has the mindset that I am his property.”
Over the years Jasmine has disclosed the abuse to her GP and a counsellor and she had spoken with police several times.
She reported one assault to police and made a statement. But she is not yet ready for them to take any action.
She will be ready one day. She wants nothing more than to leave Travis and be free of his abuse.
But leaving is not an easy or clear-cut as people on the outside assume.
Jasmine works fulltime and they have other financial ties which will take some time to sever.
“Everybody asks: why don’t you leave? And I ask myself why I don’t leave,” she said.
“It’s just logistically really hard. It’s all so stressful and just finding that time to be able to do it with the least impact is impossible at the moment.
“I have money, I have a job but it’s a very busy job. So, yes, I could leave – but when am I legitimately going to have the time at the moment?
“I could leave tomorrow, but it is incredibly difficult to do that. It’s the actual logistics of it.”
Jasmine said her situation – the constant criticism, fear and anxiety – was soul-destroying and isolating.
“It’s completely exhausting because he’s always having a go at me,” she said.
“I don’t have friends around at the house. Even if I just want to talk to someone on the phone I have to do it when he goes out.
“That’s the thing that people don’t understand, is that you will live your life in snatches of free time waiting until they are at the shop or something like that to do innocuous things.
“I am living my life on edge… I don’t sleep in the same bed with him, because he just won’t respect my boundaries… it’s incredibly toxic.”
Jasmine is planning to leave Travis. She is slowly working out how to disentangle their joint property and finances in a clear and fair way.
The Herald will not outline the specific steps she is taking to protect her privacy and safety.
She assures if Travis hurts her physically or sexually again she will call police immediately, leave, and never return.
She has the means to provide for herself and engage lawyers if needed.
But for now, she has to stay put.
“I’m in a position where I have got money, I am articulate – I’ve got the advantages that lots of other women don’t have. I’m a person that always stands up for injustices and speaks out.
“But it’s not easy to leave. Domestic violence is overwhelming, complicated and people don’t understand it… and I think it’s just really important to share my story – because there are not enough stories like this, women are not hearing this side.
“I am only one woman, but my experiences are not unique. Far from it.
Jasmine also wanted to smash the misconceptions around abusive relationships.
“It happens with affluent people, middle-income people, all demographics, all religions. It can happen to anybody,” she said.
“It should sicken you. Sicken us all that this is our country. That this is how so many live – traumatised.
“For women under constant stress and the pull between fight or flight – the toll is constant joint pain, headaches and back pain. It’s a racing heart… falling apart. Stress and more stress. But it doesn’t stop there.
“Sometimes, there are no immediate exits for people in abusive situations, or they are too hard to get to. It can, after all, be hard to see the wood for the trees. Women might have children, pets, jobs they love and want to keep, a myriad of financial ties.
“And then there are the feelings. That’s a whole other level of messiness.
“Even clear-cut certainty that the only way is out, does not mean that a woman leaves. Not yet. Maybe never. We cannot judge. We are not her.”
Anna Leask is a Christchurch-based reporter who covers national crime and justice. She joined the Herald in 2008 and has worked as a journalist for 18 years with a particular focus on family violence, child abuse, sexual violence, homicides, mental health and youth crime. She writes, hosts and produces the award-winning podcast A Moment In Crime, released monthly on nzherald.co.nz
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