KEY POINTS:
Thanks for applying for the position of ghostwriter which was advertised in code form in the classifieds of The Truth as: "Wanted Hot Nude Person to scotch-guard my vinyl couch!"
And Steve, if you are reading this, I think you have taken the advertisement a little too literally - but I will consider your quote all the same.
Brian, your CV was impressive. Frankly I am amazed you find time to write anything at all with all that outdoor activity going on, and it is also good to see that you "get on with most people!" and have a "good sense of humour".
Your application was in the top 10 of all the applications I received, so I am taking this opportunity to provide you with feedback before the next round of evaluations.
Suffice to say you are in with a relatively good chance of proceeding to the final assessment level - depending on the performance of the three female applicants at the outdoor boot camp.
Judging from their photos, this year's wet T-shirt component will be the best yet!
Speaking of photos, Brian, the one I asked you to send me for my records wasn't supposed to be of me!
I realise that once the column is printed in the paper it will have my photo accompanying it, but I was hoping to get a photo of you to help with my character assessment.
The photo you submitted didn't assist with that at all, and the Herald on Sunday already has a photo of me.
The advertisement clearly stated that I am primarily looking for a ghostwriter who can write in my style - only better.
Your sample work was very good but only seemed to mirror mine at best.
I too have written essays on the demise of Big Foot, cats being cryogenically frozen, the history of the non-stick Teflon pan flute and MMP. It seems pointless hiring somebody to come up with the same ideas as me. Not that I actually came up with all of those, but you can see my point.
The new ghostwriter is supposed to be bringing an element of originality to my work. I fear that if I hired you to write my columns, it may look as if I have plagiarised myself and I could end up looking less original than if I had actually written them myself. This would defeat the purpose of having a ghostwriter in the first place.
For the next round of sample essays I would encourage you to come up with some more original ideas like some of the other candidates have done.
I may as well be honest Brian, some of the other candidates are women and although you write better than most of them, they are more attractive than you. You are a gifted writer Brian, but the harsh realities of life mean that you will need to work harder than other people who are less talented than yourself.
As for specific content? I like to keep my readers and my editor guessing, so I expect you to keep me guessing. When I do choose to write, I often write about something that nobody else would write about: Britomart, myself, Mayor Hubbard's connection with the JFK assassination etc, etc, so if you take the same approach, we are halfway there, providing that in choosing to write about something I wouldn't write about, you don't end up writing about something somebody else might write about, because then we have gone full circle and it looks like I am writing about what other people would write about. A ghostwriter is supposed to make my life easier Brian, not harder.
Just on that note, you may have noticed that in the past I have written self indulgent, waffley columns about the writing process itself: writer's block, the challenge of deadlines etc, but this is merely because I am short on ideas! It doesn't make much sense for my ghostwriter to take such an approach as well, just for the sake of mimicking my style. The fact of the matter is I wouldn't be writing like that if I had some good ideas, and if I had good, fresh ideas then I wouldn't need a ghostwriter, and wouldn't be writing this letter to you!
The role will require that you work to the same strict deadlines that I have been unable to, and your work should need little or no re-editing by myself.
I want to wake up on a Sunday morning, read my column, crack a smile and feel a sense of pride.
My last piece of advice would be to think outside of the square, like I did when I thought of submitting a copy of this letter I am writing to you as this week's column!
Good Luck Brian, and as for your question about spelling and grammar? Don't worry too much about that, as they will check all that for us.
