KEY POINTS:
Last week there was another vicious attack at the Zion Wildlife Gardens lion sanctuary in Northland, but this differed in many ways from a previous attack as this one actually involved one of the wild animals.
My source tells me that a bored tiger bit the leg of a zookeeper some time last week, but you will have to bear with me as I have not yet had the time or inclination to get all of the facts. To be honest it doesn't really matter because this whole section was only ever supposed to be an introduction into a more general discussion about the wild nature of wild animals as an entire genus.
To cut a long story short, what was the guy expecting? He was working with a wild animal and it's a wild animal's job to attack people whenever they see fit.
Wild animals can't be trained. They can on occasion pretend to be trained to create a good impression to get something they want, but it is their prerogative to suddenly snap, become unreasonable and bite your head off, much like a woman.
But I haven't come into the office on a Friday to put down animals or women, in fact some of the best sex I have ever had has been with animals and some of my most loyal friends over the years have been women.
Let's be honest, they may salivate a little, but they are always waiting at the doorstep when you come home and there is nothing better than watching TV with their head in your lap.
Instead I have switched on the brain today to give you, the reader, some practical advice just in case you are ever attacked by any one of these wild creatures.
The Spitting Cobra
Should you ever come face-to-face with a spitting cobra you must always remember that they are nowhere near as afraid of you, as you are of them - why would they be?
If you get too close to them they will spit highly toxic venom into your eyes, instantly blinding you and rendering you useless, unless of course you are already blind.
In this instance it will probably be your guide dog that gets the first dose of venom, leaving you with the option of escape.
Assuming you are not already blind and you have a dose of spitting cobra venom in your eyes, you have very little choice but to either urinate or masturbate in the general direction of the cobra.
The cobra will assume that you are also a large spitting reptile of sorts and crawl off into a hole, leaving you to deal with the situation feeling less threatened and possibly less horny.
The Australian Brown Snake
This snake is highly venomous.
In fact, in one bite there is enough toxic venom to kill just about everybody in a standard 12-items-or-less queue at any supermarket.
Unlike the spitting cobra, the Australian Brown Snake will bury his fangs into your flesh before administering his or her lethal venom. If this happens you have little choice but to suck the venom out of your wound and attempt to spit it back into the snake's mouth.
Admittedly there is every chance that you will risk additional snake bites to your face and lips but research has shown that using the snake's own venom against it is the only way to deal with overly aggressive and venomous reptiles. "We don't negotiate with snakes!"
Koalas
Contrary to popular belief, koalas can be aggressive - a fact that isn't that surprising when you learn 95 per cent of them are lesbians. They have sharp teeth and claws and have been known to carry diseases and contraband in and out of wildlife reserves.
If you are attacked by a koala you should attempt to turn its face away from you, rendering its little arms useless, and then calmly dropkick it into the nearest pool of water or billabong. Koalas hate water as they expand like tampons or nappies as soon as they come into contact with it. If there is no reservoir of water available, dousing it with water from a drink bottle, or once again urinating on it, can have a similar effect, sending it scurrying, embarrassed, back into the bush from whence it came.
Remember the golden rule: "We don't negotiate with koalas!"
If there is a wild animal that you would like to learn how to deal with should it attack you, write to me at: When Stuff goes Wrong and Things Attack, C/o the Herald on Sunday, PO Box 32, Auckland
