That Guy: Trade in your sex drive for a new hard drive

Buying a computer nowadays can be a real nightmare.

In fact, a recent survey conducted by Surveytron revealed "purchasing a new computer" was voted one of the most stressful things we can ever do in our lives.

It came in just behind selling a house, getting caught red-handed having an affair, getting divorced and finding out that the home you have just bought is leaky.

In fact, in the male section of the survey, purchasing a new computer was deemed to be even more stressful than getting your testicles walloped with a large knotted rope, in the manner that Daniel Craig did in the James Bond movie Casino Royale.

This is not to say they would have preferred it, only that it was more stressful.

The problem is, with so many computer brands and configurations out in the market, it is difficult to know where to start. They say the best place to purchase a new computer nowadays is online but if your old one doesn't work properly, or you don't know what you are doing, this can be very difficult.

At the end of the day, the fact of the matter is, when you need a new computer there isn't a lot you can do about it. It's not like you can make one.

I prefer to get into the store so I can talk hard facts with the sales rep, face to face.

I explained to the sales rep that I knew I was ready for an upgrade when I no longer had any room left on my desktop.

No matter how much I moved files about it was always chockablock with program icons and one-off, incomplete Word documents.

I tried bunching them off into one corner but it still looked messy, so I guessed my only real option was to purchase one with a bigger screen, or one with two screens so I could move them back and forth between screens like those graphics guys do.

The next big question was whether I should purchase a desktop computer to go on my desk, or a laptop to go on my lap? If I purchased a desktop computer I would need to purchase a computer desk as well, but on the other hand if I got another laptop I ran the risk of infertility.

Somebody told me that having a laptop on your lap on a regular basis can cause you to go sterile, especially if you wear extremely tight jeans or jeans shorts, which I do on occasion. In fact, I am wearing jeans shorts as I write this column.

Scientifically speaking, I suppose it doesn't really matter whether they are tight jeans shorts or just tight jeans - your testicles are unlikely to know the difference. The point is, you need to be careful about what surrounds your testicles.

The alternative, I suppose, is I purchase a laptop but use it on a desk as I have seen some people do in cafés and stuff. Bearing in mind, of course, that if I am still wearing the tight jeans shorts I may still have a good chance of becoming sterile.

For the record, I have also heard that cellphones, photocopiers and fax machines can increase your chances of infertility.

That's the frustrating part about this whole process, the computer salespeople never seem to talk about this stuff. They only want to baffle you with talk of RAM, gigabytes and anti-viral software packages.

When have you ever heard a computer rep talk about jeans shorts, sterility or the consequences of spilling a chowder over your keyboard, be it a laptop, desktop, PC, Mac or otherwise?

These people don't seem to live in the real world, or interact with the "real people" who end up using their expensive and confusing products.

If you tell them your computer is riddled with viruses they naturally assume you didn't bother to purchase and install the recommended anti-virus software and you have been watching porn online.

And if there are tissues by your mouse-pad and condoms on your desktop, they always jump to conclusions and judge you as someone who is not only computer illiterate but a pervert.

There is, of course, always a chance you could just be a pervert having legitimate computer issues, or vice versa, but they always assume you are both.

Anyway, looks like I am going with a laptop with legs on it.