Richie McCaw must lead the All Blacks to victory in what would be the final Rugby World Cup before the world ends in 2012 - as forecast by the Mayans, says That Guy.
The apocalypse - is it really coming? And if the world really is to be destroyed by a massive cataclysmic event in 2012, where does that leave us?
Prophets like Nostradamus, and even a handful of scientists, have predicted that our planet will come to an abrupt end in the year 2012 - and you thought we couldn't heap any more weight on to Richie McCaw's shoulders.
The 2011 Rugby World Cup certainly becomes a must-win scenario, as the country who holds the Cup just before the planet explodes will surely be the greatest rugby team of all. We would have had it first and, more importantly, last.
But for Richie's benefit, let's take a look at this 2012 theory in more detail. Apparently this notion appears in many ancient documents, and it is supported by complicated mathematical equations and astronomical charts that I don't have time to explain right now. Many doomsdayers also note that the Mayan calendar only goes up until the year 2012, inferring - of course - that this will be the year the world will end.
Or it could mean that the person charged with designing the Mayan calendar 5000 years ago couldn't be bothered going any further. Why should he?
Let's face it: the average person only really plans meetings no further than two weeks in advance, so he probably thought he had done a fairly good job.
It would be a different case, of course, if we actually used the Mayan calendar on a day-to-day basis, but most of us don't - and that is probably because it doesn't work properly.
"I am sorry I am three-and-a-half weeks late for my job interview, I work on a Mayan calendar system - is the job still available?"
The calendar isn't relevant, so it can't be taken seriously as an organisational tool, let alone as a tool for accurately predicting the apocalypse. Don't get me wrong - some of my best friends are Mayans, but I must stick with the facts.
So how will it happen, this apocalypse? Well, there a number of theories - here are just a few: Global warming, nuclear war, super volcanoes, pestilence and disease, asteroids and/or comets, floods, slipping into a black hole and, last but not least, the anti-Christ who probably has access to any of the aforementioned options.
What can we do about it?
Well, going on the information that I don't have, there is probably very little we can do. Just take the first option - global warming - and already we are struggling to get any plans in place.
Something like a comet or asteroid might be better suited to us. The concept of a giant, piping-hot baked potato the size of Ashburton smacking into the planet at over 30,000km/h is a little more tangible. We have already seen it happen in countless movies, so we already know what we have to do to stop it. Global warming is too slow and issue-based, and doesn't transfer well to the big screen.
Flooding is a feasible scenario, but we have dealt with this one before as well, so really it's just a matter of getting out the blueprints again and building another ark. It may not be a literal ark in this case, the new ark may take the form of floating islands run by mutants as predicted in the prophetic movie Waterworld , starring that guy from Dances with Wolves.
Probably the scenario we have the least control over is the one where we slip into a black hole. Judging from the global warming experience, and the average person's understanding of physics, it is doubtful whether we would even be able to explain to the planet what a black hole is before we were already nut-deep in it.
To the average person, this has got Y2K-hype written all over it and most people won't want to get sucked in twice, excuse the pun. This is what makes this scenario one of the most frightening.
By all accounts, a black hole is incredibly dense matter, the result of a star folding in on itself. This matter uses massive gravitational forces to suck everything toward it, and the more it consumes, the denser and more powerful it becomes.
The original Star Trek series explained it best in its episode Tomorrow is Yesterday. This sees Captain Kirk and crew thrown off course by a black hole with predictable consequences.
Our planet will strain and buckle under the gravitational forces. Volcanic and tectonic activity will increase, and the planet will eventually blow up like an egg in a microwave.
The bright side to this, of course, is that our heads are likely to explode in the same manner well before we get to see this happen. Those of you who have problems clearing your sinuses or airways when travelling on planes are likely to have your heads explode first.
