KEY POINTS:
I was going to write a column about the controversy surrounding the proposed running of Auckland by one "super" council, but just a couple of lines into it I became distracted when some long overdue penis enlargement spam came through on my email.
I don't know how whoever sent it would know that I might be interested in such products, but it just goes to show how clever computers can be nowadays, when used correctly.
It was while "they" were processing my credit card details that I began to consider how else we might be able to use the amazing power of computers, and this brought me full circle back to my original topic, the running of Auckland by one super council.
Consider this: rather than being run by one super council, could Auckland be run by one super computer?
The super computer could make all the city's decisions by processing online opinion through constant online referendum. The obvious exception of course would be decisions in Waitakere, because they are special and unique.
Once virus-free and up and running, the super computer could go about making all the necessary decisions large and small, be they to do with roading, rubbish collection or boobs on bikes.
There would no longer be a need for a mayor or a raft of incompetent councillors, just one super computer making all the decisions on a second-by-second basis.
Clearly this would save millions of dollars, the only real cost being a couple of IT guys running the computer help desk, regular downloads of the latest virus software, and the upkeep of the Queen St Santa, as it is inside this that I propose the super computer be stationed.
Placing the super computer here would serve to humanise it a little, but would also mean having Santa outside Whitcoulls 365 days a year, a decision that might dampen the overall effect around Christmas.
Like the Wizard in the Wizard of Oz, the huge papier-mache Santa looks wise and has an air of experience about it and that is exactly what we need from our city's new ruler.
Countless sci-fi movies have taught us that the super computer can be humanised further by simply giving it a down-to-earth, human name, followed possibly by a number.
Rather than naming it something like: Tron, Cybertron 5, or Galactor we should give it a more down-to-earth name like Troy, or Wayne 16.
The beauty of this whole concept is that it is a major decision we won't have to worry about, as deciding what the computer is to be called is likely to be one of the super computer's first tasks.
Once the computer is up to speed, the people of Auckland can sit back and watch as "Troy" wisely spends their rates, gives the go-ahead to an array of exciting events and is introduced to foreign dignitaries.
One obvious concern, of course, is the possibility of Troy the super computer becoming too powerful for his own good.
To prevent the city's decision-making computer becoming clogged up with spam, cyber porn and viruses, the super computer will need to be constantly downloading the latest software and spam filters and this, over time, many experts believe could result in the super computer developing its own cyber intelligence or, in layman's terms, a life of its own. The computer could become a dictator, making decisions willy-nilly without even bothering to use its referendum software. But this, many people would argue, is exactly what happens at present without a super computer.
The concern however is that it may go even further and, in a worst-case scenario, break away from Whitcoulls and actually start walking around, smashing up the city.
Countless sci-fi movies have toyed with this notion, and often the end results aren't pretty, with the humans coming off second best and, more often than not, having to find a way of destroying the super computer by installing a computer virus or, in some cases, by using large explosives.
Personally, I am ready for change and believe that the super computer is the way forward. The problem now, of course, is that without a super computer it is doubtful whether the present system run by humans, will be capable of competently getting the super computer project up and running.
