That Guy: Summertime life saver for every testy situation

Opinion

Here is some advice to anyone who finds themselves in the midst of a tiger shark attack. It's an excerpt from my new summer book, Leigh Hart's Summer Survival Guide.

"Gently squeeze their testicles using a firm, but fair, circular pumping motion, and then release. If the shark hasn't called off the attack by this stage, you may need to focus your defensive measures on the eye or the sensitive gill region, and remember it can't hurt to scream for help, even if you are underwater."

I would like to stress the above excerpt needs to be looked at in the larger context of the book's contents to be most beneficial. This paragraph acted upon out of context could make matters worse, or even instigate an attack that was, until then, never that likely to happen. In other words: don't squeeze a shark's testicles unless necessary - you are being attacked by a shark or you are doing it under controlled conditions and are accompanied by a marine biologist.

Of course, there is every chance that the shark you are being attacked by is female (this can occur during the delicate stage of the shark's PMT cycle when female sharks are most irrational). You may not get time to check whether your assailant is male or female, so it is best to have a plan B waiting and ready to go, and you will need to buy the book to get a list of those options.

It gives solid advice about tiger shark, bull shark and even mako shark attacks - usually you won't know the difference. The publication is also realistic, so neglects to give any tips whatsoever should you be attacked by a great white, as this would be rather pointless. We do, however, cover grizzly bear attacks, but only when they occur in the water.

With most shark attacks, prevention is usually the best option.

In a nutshell, the book loosely covers a wide range of scenarios you may find yourself experiencing and gives sound advice and tips on how to best deal with these. Sunburn, shark attacks and trampoline-related medical emergencies feature highly, as does thong rash and "ice-cream head" - which can be lethal if it occurs while you are approaching a one-lane bridge or pashing somebody for the first time.

There is a step-by-step guide accompanied by easy-to-follow diagrams that shows you how to repair jandals, and advice on how to deal with pashing attempts that backfire, with or without "ice-cream head".

There are chapters on planning car trips and even some advice on navigating through poor and weak summer TV scheduling. Incidentally, I have a TV show beginning January 7 on TV3.

One scenario the book doesn't cover, however, is what you should do if your publisher misses the Christmas release deadline for the printer, and your summer blockbuster's release date gets pushed back towards the winter of 2012. But I somewhat bitterly digress.

So in summary, picture the worst-case summer scenario and then ask yourself "would I know what to do?"

Last-minute research we conducted after completing the book suggested that in most cases people wouldn't know what to do in just about any problematic summer situation. So with that in mind, I wish you all the best over the summer and I am sorry the book hasn't been published in time to help you.

But here is one more tip, free of charge: just because you now have a bit of a tan, she still may not want to pash you.