KEY POINTS:
Last week I promised that in this week's column I would reveal the names of people caught up in the celebrity swingers' ring, or more specifically those high-profile people who attended my seafood chowder, spa and sex party.
To the relief of many, I won't be doing that, because once again the editor has said I am not allowed to, but this doesn't change the fact that it happened and those who attended who are allergic to seafood, will by now have a nasty and conspicuous rash over much of their body. They know who they are!
I must admit that the limits the editor has put on my writing of late have been a little disconcerting, primarily because I need to trust my instincts as I often get asked to write for many of New Zealand's top magazines like: New Idea, Woman's Weekly, Cuisine, Bride and Groom and of course New Zealand Horse and Pony.
What follows is an example of how as a writer, common themes can often make their way into many different columns and magazines, in fact one of the first things you learn at journalism school is that most good writers should be able to adapt the one theme into at least 13 different columns. The second thing you learn is to avoid spilling seafood chowder on your computer keyboard.
Beginning with an extract I recently wrote for New Zealand Horse and Pony magazine I will demonstrate how easily a single thought or idea can transcend the publication landscape.
"Contrary to popular belief the sea horse is not in fact the smallest horse in the horse family, it is the Shetland pony, with some breeds being as little as two and a half feet tall when fully grown."
Ironically, the Shetland sea horse is the smallest in the sea horse family but it is a crustacean not a horse, as is the Clydesdale sea horse and the hard to "break in" Mustang sea horse. The Clydesdale sea horse is the largest of the sea horse family, with many of them being as large as two and a half inches tall when fully grown.
A close crustaceous relative of the sea horse is of course the crab and in the May issue of Cuisine magazine I will be telling the readers how to make a delicious and healthy crab meat salad.
As I have already mentioned, sea horses are crustaceans but they are not traditionally found in crab meat salads unless of course you are in France, where on occasion "horse" meat can be found in a crab meat salad, especially in Lyon or Toulouse.
If in doubt, you should always ask the waiter if sea horses have been used in your crab meat salad, or a more likely scenario, if horse meat has been used as your steak?
If you are still not sure you should probably just order something else like a pizza. Incidentally these are the sorts of travel tips I will be offering in a travel column I am putting together for Air New Zealand's Getaway magazine. Other tips include packing your own luggage, and avoiding certain red-light districts, as at this time of year as you may be mugged or worse, contract a nasty dose of crabs or sexually transmitted crustaceans.
Be they Shetland or Clydesdale, you are bound to regret going there in the first place.
The crab salad is best served cold and is ideal as an entree for that special summer wedding, which is why I have mentioned it in next month's issue of Bride and Groom magazine.
This column touches on the catering at the wedding but it actually tells the amazing story of a couple who recently got married at a horse stud in the Hawke's Bay, so the photos at least will be able to be used in my aforementioned Horse and Pony article.
Hank and Linda met as part of a radio promotion, so if you count the wedding itself, the subsequent break-up, and a couple of columns on each of them getting on with their lives without the other, I should be able to milk three or four New Idea features out of this situation.
They somehow managed to have a child in the six weeks they had been together so I will probably get a fifth one in Maternity magazine and a sixth "where are they now" style article in Woman's Weekly in 2011. And if by chance they happen to become acquainted with Adam and Sally there will be enough columns to keep me busy for the rest of my life.
When asked why they broke up, Linda mentioned sexual problems in the marriage, with Hank apparently not living up to Linda's expectations: "With a nickname like `horse' I thought Hank was going to be hung like something out of Horse and Pony magazine but to be honest it looked more like something I had seen on a Shetland sea horse."
