That Guy: Rent our home and we'll throw in the kids

Opinion

Well, the Rugby World Cup is nearly upon us and, like many of the homeowners within a beer stubbie's throw of Eden Park, I will be renting out my house to the highest bidder for the duration.

We are ideally located near the new Eden Park stadium and will be seeking foreign tenants who can pay for their stay with a stable overseas currency - preferably pounds sterling or gold.

What follows is a breakdown of the package I will be offering in an effort to be a cut above the rest.

We will be looking for around £2000 ($4268) a week, but are willing to negotiate, though not with terrorists.

Accommodation: I will offer full use of all three bedrooms, the kitchen, the lounge and both bathrooms. There are two bathrooms and two toilets. One, however, has the potential to block easily - you will know soon enough which one that is.

I suggest using one for number ones and two for number twos, or vice versa, depending on how you choose to number them - the toilets, that is. I usually do my business in one toilet and clean up in the other.

The open-plan kitchen is a chef's dream. However, we will be taking the fridge as we were unable to get a third party added on to the insurance policy.

If any accidents occur involving the fridge, either my wife or myself need to be directly involved. There is a smaller, slightly noisier fridge in the garage that you can use at your leisure.

The outdoor area: we accept you will be using the outdoor space anyway as you come and go, so feel free to wander around the area we have designated for a garden and don't be shy about standing on the deck. It is yours for the duration of your stay.

Use of the car: there is a car in the garage the "tenant" will be able to use. It is a late-model Volkswagen Passat, complete with baby seats, sunroof and electric windows. You will need to use the windows as it does to tend to smell a little of milk and dairy-based baby vomit.

Half-eaten muesli bars can also be found stuffed down the sides of the seats. It is pointless trying to extract these, as a Volkswagen specialist has already tried.

The barbecue: for no extra charge we will throw in the use of what was once a four-burner gas barbecue. We are so close to the action that you can run your own sausage sizzle from the front gate. I will throw in a year's supply of Heller's sausages to get you started.

The TV and Sky decoder: you will have full use of the flat-screen, and wide-stand TV set.

The spa pool: this is a real bonus feature. Relax after an exciting match. For you single people, I would imagine it's a great "clincher" for a potential one-night stand. We have plastic wine glasses for just this sort of occasion. (The World Cup, I mean. We will be taking our finer glasses with us for the duration of the Cup.)

Pool rules include: no running, no eating, no electrical appliance repair and no urinating in the pool. Just on that note, we have added a "special" dye to the pool water that will turn your skin a bright blue, should you fail to adhere to the urinating rule.

Should you fail to abide by the rules and turn blue, you are likely to remain that colour for the duration of the World Cup. This is less of an issue if you happen to be supporting France or Scotland.

Broadband internet: you will have full, unrestricted use of the internet at the internet cafe down the road.

Phone: you can use the phone, but calls will be charged at the same rate as the Langham Hotel, which incidentally is probably where we will be staying.

Clothes: don't over-pack in the UK. I will leave a selection of my clothes in the wardrobe that you may wear during your stay. There will be a selection of warm and cold weather clothing and I will offer a choice of boxers or briefs.

Don't go looking for my wife's briefs as we will either be taking them with us or putting them in the safe along with her jewellery and the fridge magnets off the fridge that you are not allowed to use.

This home offer is probably best suited to somebody who has a size-10 foot, as a selection of shoes and loafers will be in a basket by the front door. Feel free to wear these, as they are yours for your stay.

The dog: you will have full use of the dog, and you may call him what you want as he doesn't listen anyway.

Routine for the children: one child is at daycare and the other has just started school. I have clearly laid out their daily routines on the white board in the kitchen. No TV during the week before bedtime.