KEY POINTS:
Many people often come up to me and say, "hey your writing is really amazing, why don't you just start up your own Sunday newspaper?"
My answer is seldom the same but often I will say, "It's something I have looked into but with raw paper prices as they are at the moment, the timing wouldn't be ideal for such a venture".
Sometimes I tell them to "f*** off" as I am naked and busy drying myself in the sports centre changing room after just completing an intense cardio workout with my gym partner Brian.
Having said that, I have done some research into an ambitious venture such as this and already have a template, business model and launch party venue booked should I change my mind.
My Sunday paper is designed to come out on Saturday night so, much like Prime news broadcasting its TV news at 5.30, I will be getting the jump on all the other papers including the Herald on Sunday.
Naturally I would write most of the editorial or content, but will use the services of most of the country's top writers who will be writing for me under pen names.
For example, my esteemed colleague above, Bill Ralston, might choose to be called Will Ralston and Wendyl Nissen might go under the clever alias of Diesel Nissen.
Writing under pen names will give them the ability to still write for the Herald on Sunday meaning I won't have to pay them as much.
Specifically, I will be paying them half of what they get now but this is relative as they will be using a smaller font, effectively filling half the amount of column space with the same amount of words. This will give us more space for advertising, which incidentally the writers will have to source themselves, again an initiative that will reduce costs.
The highest paid writers are likely to be the best salesmen.
Many critics claim this paves the way for chequebook journalism, with advertisers able to influence the journalists' opinions because they are effectively paying their wages.
While I can see their point to a degree, I can easily rebuke that by simply saying "so what".
That occurs on a regular basis in the current newspaper environment at the Herald on Sunday.
I for one regularly take back-hander payments from a variety of businesses in exchange for expressing their opinions or plugging their products or services.
Chequebook journalism is nothing new, a recent example of this was last week's column on Stonehenge when the first letter of each line in the first paragraph spelt out the phrase Hellers Shaved Meats, try the new pastrami.
This is just a sign of the times and is common practice with most of the staff at the Herald on Sunday.
Paul Holmes, for example, often uses a similar coding process to advertise his radio show, a Javanese furniture business and, only last week, the new Celine Dion album.
By carefully choosing your words, and of course the order in which you use them, you can give the readers an array of subliminal messages, many of which would usually breach normal advertising standards.
I enjoy Matt McCarten's column, but never have I seen so many coded yet blatant messages for tobacco.
Deborah Coddington is more subtle but by now would have easily earned enough to retire off the back of her coded messages on behalf of a major car manufacturer.
By using the first letter of every second word to spell out a new word, she was able to spell out "Just drive it" 36 times in the same column.
Readers shouldn't underestimate the skill involved in this kind of writing, as it's hard enough to write a column every week when you can use the words in any order you want.
Re-arranging them to spell out messages for advertisers but still have the articles making sense on a different level is a discipline that is very difficult to master.
This is perhaps why many of us now use a new computer program called "Phrasemaker 2007".
This clever program essentially does all the work for you.
The writer writes a column as per usual but is encouraged to use as many words beginning with consonants as possible.
He or she then loads the article into Phrasemaker and after about 25 minutes it would have designed a code and layout to spell out as many coded messages as possible to suit your client.
Often writers will put their column through Phrasemaker and then approach a possible client once they see what sort of messages their column was able to generate.
That's About Me People, A Xylophone is a great instrument.
