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A controversial new book, Red Light Endeavour, claims that famed explorer Captain James Cook didn't die at the hands of the Hawaiian natives in 1779, but rather between the legs of a Whitby prostitute in a Yorkshire whorehouse while on shore leave a full year earlier.
Author Tony Evans claims the British Navy tried to cover up the incident to protect Cook's good name, and that of the higher admiralty.
"It was a time when people needed heroes and Cook was one such hero. They had little choice but to cover it up," said Evans at one of Stephen King's book signings.
Evans claims to have 11th generation eyewitness testimony that puts Cook at the Buxom Mermaid the night he died. The Buxom Mermaid was a tavern and brothel popular with sailors in the latter part of the 18th century, and this fact is not disputed by experts.
What is called into question is whether Cook was 12,000 miles away in the Pacific as history states, or involved in a rum-infused threesome with Dirty Meg, the establishment's proprietor, and a one-armed scallywag called Big Bart.
Evans claims he has medical records and X-rays showing Cook had a heart condition brought on by a diet of beef jerky and rum. This probably led to the fatal heart attack he suffered while trying a sexual position called Sailing Around Cape Horn.
"I accept I have taken a few liberties, but after so much time has gone by you have to really, otherwise you can't fill in the gaps," says Evans.
"I think it comes from watching so much TV, but I stand by most of the stuff I have written, although a few dates might be out, here or there. History is not an exact science. If it was, historians would be paid more."
The author accepts Cook was an explorer and adventurer of the highest calibre, and concedes that his early exploration exploits were second to none, but he believes the entire third expedition of the Pacific was one big cover-up to buy time to have Cook "killed off" in a setting and manner more fitting the great naval officer. He claims to have faxes and documents to prove it.
In the book we learn that a double was used to wave to the crowds as the ship left the harbour while the real Cook was preserved in a barrel of brine below deck.
Apparently, many of the crew didn't know it wasn't Cook sailing the ship and only a select few officers knew the true reason for the journey.
The story goes that the Endeavour then returned to the Pacific where Cook was dumped on a Hawaiian beach in the dead of night by two British secret service agents, one disguised as the ship's doctor; the other an accordion player. The peaceful Hawaiian people were then blamed for Cook's death, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Critics of the book claim there are too many loose ends, and some of the harshest critics have even gone as far as to lambast it by comparing it to the writing of Ian Wishart.
Evans has a second book out before Christmas about the Apollo moon landings.
Surprisingly, he doesn't dispute that the moon landings took place but concentrates on the fact Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were not only the first two humans to walk on the moon, but the first two homosexual humans to walk on the moon.
The book, Two's Company, Three's a Crowd, alludes to the fact that there was a third astronaut, Michael Collins, in the capsule for the entire Apollo mission.
"I didn't get a chance to do as much research as I did on Red Light Endeavour but I didn't really need to because I have a photo section in it," says Evans.
The book's release is designed to coincide with the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, and none of the Apollo 11 astronauts were available for comment.
And now for something completely different: I am always open to ways of doing things better, so if the Greens are so concerned about my family's power bill, they can help us get it down as low as possible, by paying half the f***ing thing.
