KEY POINTS:
You know I really enjoy getting your mail but obviously I don't have time to read all of it.
To be perfectly honest, most of it goes straight into the bin, or occasionally, if I have time, it's circulated around the wards at Auckland's Greenlane Hospital, or to various different hospices.
Many of you probably assume Kerre Woodham is the columnist who gets the most mail, as she always seems to have the most letters published in the letters to the editor section, but this is not the case.
To be fair, she does get a little bit of genuine feedback, but this is mainly because she has a background in talkback radio that enables her to appeal to the un-silent stupid majority.
As you know, these are the people who bother to put pen to paper, or phone a radio station at 4 in the morning so they can hear the sound of their own voices.
What most people don't know is that Kerre writes a lot of that mail herself in the early hours of the morning. She has tried to get me to write letters on her behalf, which admittedly I have done on several occasions as Kerre doesn't take no for an answer.
She may seem all fun and bubbly on the surface, but beneath that exterior is a woman who is not averse to grabbing a man's larger testicle and squeezing it like a stress ball until she gets exactly what she wants.
Testament to this is the fact three of the letters to her this week were written by me, two by Bill Ralston and the other by Matt McCarten.
What follows is just a small selection of the legitimate mail I have received during the past week.
Dear Leigh,
Hi, Dave here, first-time writer, long-time reader. I just want to ask why you are on the bottom of the page again and Bill Ralston is on top?
That's a good question Dave and to be honest I am not sure of the answer - perhaps you would like to ask the editor that, thanks for the call.
Dear Leigh,
Wendy here. I just want to say that I really like the column, especially when you mix it up and do things like readers' letters, it keeps it really fresh. You are the only reason I read the Herald on Sunday.
Thanks Wendy, you are very kind, but I think you will find that if you really dig around, you will find some other great stuff in the paper.
I suggest taking a look at some of the stuff on the front page, they normally try to get a sensational sort of photo to go with that, or if you are into some light reading, there's Bill Ralston's column, which should be easy to find as it is right above mine. Are you into sports? If you are, there is a great sports section at the back of the paper.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Dear Leigh,
Does it really matter who wins the upcoming election?
No not really as we run an MMP or Mickey Mouse style of politics in this country, meaning it is all just a bit of a laugh really. Just enjoy it and don't forget to vote.
Dear Leigh,
Need your column please!
Editor
(Ed's note: that one is legitimate)
It's on its way.
Dear Leigh,
How is it possible to stuff up a TV format as simple as Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? The last episode I watched only featured two contestants who got as far as the $16,000 question. This means that in the entire episode there were only 16 actual questions, half of which are the early moron questions. Less mindless chatter, more questions, I say.
I can't say I have watched the show so I can't comment, but they seem to get through plenty of questions in the UK version on Prime and they don't have to explain the rules in full to each new contestant either, try that one.
Dear Leigh,
Seriously, we need your column now, please!
Editor
I emailed it to you about 20 minutes ago, are you still using the same email address?
Dear Leigh,
Hey man, Gary here, I didn't see you at the gym this morning.
I hope that misunderstanding in the sauna hasn't made things a little weird.
I don't want to talk about it Gary, you were out of line. I am working out with Troy now. Let's just leave it.
Dear Leigh,
The x-ray confirms you have a haematoma on your left testicle. Please call me to discuss.
Dr Bell.
