That Guy: Less Bigfoot, more big money for new year

Opinion

As it is a new year, a lot of the Herald on Sunday's journalists and columnists have been given feedback from the editor and, in some cases, entirely new roles within the paper.

For example, Rachel Glucina has been asked to be less trashy, while others in the news section have been told to be more trashy, and judging from what I have read in the paper so far this year most employees seem to have taken the feedback on board. (Joking.)

Some people like Corey in the spellcheck department had their contracts terminated as a result of cutbacks. It is probably worth mentioning that Corey also had a severe drinking problem and this probably made his sacking a little easier for the HR department.

What made it more difficult legally was the fact that he was so regularly under the influence that he never actually remembers getting repeated verbal warnings from his employer.

Ironically this meant that he actually had to remain employed by the company in some capacity ... so he now spellchecks the papers that have already gone to print.

I was asked to "focus on things that actually interest people". Apparently a survey conducted in Morrinsville revealed that Bigfoot no longer qualifies as big news.

I was also asked to pop down to the third floor and lend some assistance to the business news department which by all accounts has been rating like a dog, so much so that January's business news lead story was going to be a detailed account of how that section of the paper was no longer viable.

The editor deemed it to be a little in-house, so ran with a tedious story about mortgage interest rates instead.

As part of my brief to sex up business news, I have decided to come out with an exposé that features New Zealand's most influential people. I'll call them New Zealand's Top Power Brokers.

Number one would have to be George McFeast: he is the editor of Power Broker Fortnightly magazine. He dictates who will and, more importantly, who won't be featured as a power broker in Power Broker magazine.

George is a multimillionaire thanks to his grandparents who invented and patented a home colonic irrigation machine, which later evolved into the Gentle Annie washing machine.

Second on the list has to be Gordon Shakman. Gordon is the man who puts the twist in Twisties. His technology made it possible for cheese to turn corners as opposed to being restricted to the traditional cheese slice or wedge.

Twisties were recently voted the favourite thing to have if you were marooned on a desert island. Amazingly, they were voted ahead of a cellphone or shortwave radio. It might be worth noting that the entire scenario involved being marooned on a desert island with Beyonce.

Third on my list of most influential business people is Jeremy Heine.

Jeremy is the assistant editor of Power Broker. When George McFeast is away on business or staying at his timeshare on Dominion Rd, Jeremy runs the publication and can pretty much make decisions that can see absolute nobodies grace the cover of the magazine. A self-confessed raging bisexual nymphomaniac, he has been known to sleep with anybody to get them to the top.

Next week I will continue with my list of New Zealand's Power Brokers. Who knows; you might just see your name in there - "kiss-and-tell" Jeremy Heine is not exactly known for his discretion.