That Guy: It's a jungle out there - wear condoms!

Opinion

The Mysterious Planet film crew has spent the bulk of the past week in the treacherous Amazon jungle, and to be on the safe side we wore extra-strong, ribbed condoms 24/7 ...

This was obviously a preventative measure, but probably not from the type of risk you normally associate with prophylactic protection. More on this ingenious initiative in a moment.

The Amazon jungle is probably home to more species of animals than anywhere else on the planet.

Some of this abundant life is small, like malaria-carrying mosquitoes and blood-sucking leeches, while other creatures are rather large, like the legendary anaconda snake made famous, of course, in the blockbuster of the same name, starring Jennifer Lopez and Jon Voight.

Some of these creatures are obviously harmless, while others are extremely lethal, the trick is knowing which is which. A fast and confident identification of various flora and fauna may just save your life, but a good rule of thumb is don't handle any snakes, mammals that are larger than you that you have never seen before, or things with brightly coloured spines.

We lived off the land, so it was important to know which plants were edible and which ones would either kill you instantly, or send you on a one-way, around-the-world LSD trip. We learned that some frogs are edible, while others' skins are so toxic that their sweat is used as deadly poison on the natives' blow darts.

Fortunately, we had a guide who was familiar with most of the dangers we were likely to encounter. However he drank quite heavily so often we felt we were fending for ourselves while he visited villages for stag-do-like drinking sessions.

One of the tribes we visited taught us how to blow-dart monkeys, while another, the Bora tribe, is well known for being the jungle's top head shrinking specialists. Our guide assured us that it is a practice that they have less time for nowadays, but, having said that, I was glad we weren't joined by Brent Todd or Zinzan Brooke as I doubt whether they could resist the challenge.

We fished for piranhas and learned that although highly dangerous in the water, their reputation as deadly man-eaters has been slightly exaggerated.

They are capable of eating a grown man alive but only when feeding in a big school, and there is yet to be a documented case of someone being attacked when not in the water. The aforementioned anaconda of course is capable of killing somebody both in the water and on land making it top of the Amazonian food chain.

We also learned that although three-toed sloths are confident swimmers, they are not the fastest and this makes them targets for piranhas and other water-based predators.

However, the creature that dominated the bulk of the all-male crew's conversation wasn't the legendary piranha, crocodile or even the anaconda but rather a tiny fish we never actually saw called the canera. This tiny fish has developed a unique skill that has somehow aided its survival in the highly competitive environment of the Amazon.

Basically, it swims up a man's penis, and - as if attending an all-you-can-eat buffet - stays there until it has outgrown its host! Without going into too much detail, this fish is attracted by urine in the water. It senses when its victim is urinating and then it swims against the current like a salmon and lodges itself somewhere high within the victim's water works, attaching itself with a contraption not too dissimilar to Batman's bat-hook!

As it grows bigger, it has an additional contraption like your standard mini bamboo cocktail umbrella that grips the sides of the man's urethra making it impossible to remove without expert help.

So now you can appreciate how the crew went through five boxes of condoms in as many days. It's a jungle out there and you must adapt if you are going to survive!