The marinara soup seeped into the keyboard ...
Over the years many top journalists have been unable to submit a column, for reasons ranging from writer's block to a laissez-faire attitude compounded by binge-drinking.
In journalistic circles many of the greatest excuses are well known, so while I take a few minutes to think of a column idea myself, I thought I would kill some time and share some of them with you.
Award winning writer Frankie Edwards spilled a creamy seafood chowder over his keyboard while doing the final spell-check on his column for the May issue of Goat Farmer Monthly in 2007.
Through a process similar to osmosis, the marinara soup seeped into the keyboard and badly damaged the electronic circuitry and functionality of the motherboard, particularly the return button and the letters K and F.
Clearly in these circumstances Frankie was unable to submit his column and had to email the editor on his wife's computer to make him fully aware of the situation.
Brian McFeast was unable to submit his column for Horse and Pony magazine's Easter issue because he couldn't think of anything to write about. Although in a wheelchair, Brian was a mover and shaker on the horse-and-pony circuit but had struggled with marital problems. These problems were compounded when he lost his licence for drink driving and couldn't attend 12 of his marriage guidance sessions. His wife, who couldn't drive, took the bus.
It is has been well publicised in Infidelity Monthly that Brian's wife Gemma has been having a steamy motel-based affair with celebrity horse teaser Ronald Harvey. According to Horse and Pony, Ronald is worth $48,000 before tax and is hung like a Shetland pony.
Regular contributor and photographer for Colonoscopy Geographic magazine, Hank Gibbons, was unable to submit his photo essay for the centenary issue because his wife walked into his private study and blew his head off with a 12-gauge shotgun.
Financial expert Bernard Forrester was unable to file his column for top financial magazine Finance Weekly because he was operating in the wrong financial year and went into receivership because of unpaid taxes and water rates.
He now writes a men's health column for Australian Women's Weekly, and is an occasional contributor to Woman's Time of the Month magazine.
Fergus Beadle never filed his October column for Garden and Pond magazine because he was at Oktoberfest.
He was once married to Petra Tate who writes the Not About Town section for top recluse magazine The Recluse Inquirer.
Beadle was arrested last year when, after a tip-off, police seized his computer and found it riddled with photos of naked underage Shetland ponies. Frankie Edwards was also implicated and both could face up to five years in prison.
Logan Penbrook occasionally writes a weekly blog dedicated to writer's block called Writer's Blog.
He regularly appeals to other people who suffer from writer's block to contribute thoughts but he rarely gets any feedback.
He sees this as positive as it is a sure sign that his target audience, those who struggle to write at the best of times, are the ones that are reading his blog.
Logan failed to write his blog last week as he had "finally lost interest in it".
