That Guy: Cycling performance was far from enhanced

Once again it has been a week of sporting controversy. Lance Armstrong has again been forced to defend himself against claims that he has in the past used performance-enhancing drugs.

In an effort to nip any potential controversy in the bud I would also like to take this opportunity to deny allegations that I ever took performance-enhancing drugs to assist with my cycling.

I will even go a step further and deny that I have done any cycling whatsoever, with or without drugs.

Although I haven't ridden a standard bike since 1978, I will admit to one occasion using a stationary exercycle at my local gym, but at no time was I ever under influence of any performance-enhancing drugs.

These allegations, which I suspect might appear in Rachel Glucina's "Guess Who, Don't Sue" section of the paper next week, were probably started by a disgruntled member of my gym.

For the record: a number of years ago, I was using an exercycle at home, but was forced to quit when my wife began using the power adapter for her slow-cooker. But these wild allegations of drug taking and cycling apparently stem from my activity at the gym between the months of July and October of last year.

Now, you only need to talk to Tina, the receptionist at Health and Sports, to know that I didn't even attend the gym at all in 2009 between the months of May and October, as my membership had run out.

It wasn't until November that I eventually renewed it, and it was another two months after that before I actually went in again, so if people are going to make wild accusations they should do some research first.

Anybody who follows my activity at the gym would also know that although I occasionally use the stationary bikes, I am more often than not found on the cross-trainer, doing an ab routine with big Tony Lam and a Swiss ball; or discussing my membership with Tina at reception.

If I was using performance-enhancing drugs while on the exercycle, as is claimed, surely logic would suggest I must have been using them while on the cross-trainer and the Swiss ball as well, yet nobody seems prepared to come out and make those accusations.

So how did these rumours about drug-taking come about in the first place? I suspect they may have something to do with a gym session in which I was a little inebriated as a result of drinking red wine while on antibiotic medication. Normally I wouldn't have gone to the gym in this state but the effects only kicked in halfway through my step aerobics class.

The glazed look in my eyes easily could have been mistaken for that of someone using illegal performance-enhancing medication. But what I was on wasn't illegal, and easily could have been purchased at any neighbourhood chemist.

In addition to the red wine and antibiotics, my elite physical fitness probably contributed to my drunken condition. I have read that the fitter you are, the less you are able to process alcohol, but this would probably mean very little to the man on the bench press who I vomited on as I rushed out of the gym.

Naturally my membership was temporarily revoked for breaking the gym's strict "no intoxication" rules, but a meeting the following Monday with the manager quickly cleared up the misunderstanding, and I was able to work out once again, providing I was accompanied by somebody over the age of 18 who was sober.

So I categorically reject claims that I have ever used performance-enhancing drugs while on a bike, or at the gym, and the few times I have been affected by drugs and alcohol while at the gym, my performance was far from enhanced.

I will not have my reputation destroyed by petty rumours and sordid allegations.