That Guy: Chute head gets the massage loud and clear

Photo / Hawkes Bay Today

Opinion

In these uncertain economic times, the festive season can be a little confusing.

This is the first time I have shared this story for reasons that will soon become blatantly obvious.

Just before Christmas, while doing the last of my Christmas shopping, I went to a small Asian massage clinic in Mt Roskill to receive some attention on an old back injury, sustained during a skydiving accident earlier that day.

The injury didn't actually occur when I was jumping, but when I was getting the used chutes out of the back of the Hiace van outside the dry cleaners.

Anyway, about 45 minutes into this fairly average oiled body massage, I was subtly asked whether I would like "hand relief".

As this was my first time as a skydiver at the Mt Roskill Asian Sports Massage Clinic, I assumed it meant a hand massage.

It did not, of course: it meant what we in the television business call a "hand job".

I think it might be worth mentioning at this point, to avoid confusion, that the skydiving centre, massage clinic and drycleaners are in one and the same place, located in the heart of Mt Roskill, a real one-stop-shop if you like.

The Mt Roskill skydiving centre may not be the safest skydiving school but their parachutes are certainly the cleanest, and have the reassuring aroma of coconut oil ... but I have digressed.

Now, thanks to the fact that the rest of this sports massage was so average, I came close to saying, what the hell, and taking up the offer of "hand relief" - but at the last minute I reneged.

The clincher, I suppose, was the fact that my masseuse was a 65-year-old Asian man and, gauging from his work on my calves and shoulders, I doubted whether he would be very good at it. He was also my tandem skydive partner which could make things a little awkward the next time we were at 10,000ft and about to jump together.

I also want to stress that race didn't come into my decision to forego the offer.

I am not racist. Far from it - some of my best friends are Asians; you can check my Facebook page if you don't believe me.

Neither am I homophobic. Some of my best friends are homosexuals. Three are even homosexual and Asian. Two of them are a couple, but one is still officially in the closet, and is not yet prepared to admit that he is an Asian.

I think it was a combination of all the circumstances that ensured I took a raincheck on the hand job. Instead I took a voucher that promised me $25 off my next drycleaning bill, or a tandem jump with my masseuse.

The Mt Roskill Skydiving Centre, Drycleaners, and Sports Massage Clinic is an excellent example of a business that has had to diversify in these uncertain times to ensure they stay ahead of the competition.

It might be worth noting at this point that they started off as a bakery, but saw an opening in the skydiving market when the previous skydiving school, Mt Roskill Extreme Skydiving, was shut down after an investigation identified a series of breaches of the International Skydiving Code. These included poor maintenance on aircraft, poor record-keeping, both financial and vinyl, and, perhaps worst of all, tying old people to beds with parachute cords.

The Mt Roskill Sky Diving Centre, Dry Cleaners, and Sports Massage Clinic also has big plans for the new year.

These include reopening the original bakery, and a garden centre which will ensure they can offer skydiving, drycleaning and massages on Good Friday and other statutory holidays.