KEY POINTS:
It's the end of the world as we know it!
The signs are all around us: rising sea levels, hot summers like we had back in the 70s and polar bear numbers are at their lowest in Antarctica since records began. But, for many people, the most powerful warning sign was the recent death of Charlton Heston.
Through his stellar work in the sci-fi blockbuster Planet of the Apes, this icon of the 20th century gave us a glimpse of a post-apocalyptic Earth.
Most of the movie is dedicated to Heston's character doing battle with jumpsuit-wearing chimpanzees, but the classic scene at the end where he looks upon the remains of the Statue of Liberty, a crumbling symbol of man's past stupidity, is very powerful and leaves us with a thousand unanswered questions.
The most obvious one, of course, was how long would it be before he began having sex with the attractive, scantily clad woman riding bareback on his horse?
Though the movie technically ends here, we know that the future of mankind depends on Heston's ability to re-establish humans on Earth without destroying it or repeating the errors of the past.
Heston's death, in my opinion, is symbolic of the beginning of the end, a clear sign that we have lost the battle to save our planet.
So where to from here then?
At best, most experts believe that Earth probably has 60-70 years before it implodes or is unable to sustain human life, so, like everybody else, I pretend to do my bit around the home to see if we can't push that out a couple of weeks, months, or whatever. To be honest, like many people I suspect, I am merely going through the motions so that I don't look like an arsehole.
We use disposable plastic plates now instead of using the dishwasher and, rather than running numerous heaters during winter, I put my oven on fan bake and leave the oven door open while cooking. If you leave the back door open a little it can circulate warm air like you have a top-of-the-line heat pump.
Food obviously takes twice as long to cook but that's a small price to pay for using fewer power sockets. It's not just around the home either; recently I purchased an air rifle and shot out every second street light, effectively halving the street light power use.
I am also getting better at recycling, and I have to say I am enjoying my new super-sized recycling bin.
With the big bin it is a case of out of sight, out of mind, so I endeavour to squeeze as much stuff into it as possible.
By doing a simple water displacement test in my spa pool I calculated that more plastic would go into making these new recycling bins than could possibly be recycled in one of them over 15 months.
It begs the question: what generation is going to be responsible for recycling the recycle bins?
I did some further calculations and estimated that, in their current form, these vulcanised plastic recycling bins probably have a half-life of six to 700,000 years.
I was so impressed with these bins that I recently changed my will to include instructions that I am to be buried in it once I pass on.
As a planet, are we at the stage yet where we should be thinking about quality of life as opposed to quantity?
It's a little like being on a plane that is running low in fuel and is almost certainly going to crash. Do you calmly ensure that all the plastic cups and used headsets are collected? Or do you accept your fate, and stroll through economy to see if anybody wants to have sex with you?
I hate to admit it but I think I am probably in the latter camp, as I have done this on a couple of occasions when the plane wasn't about to crash.
We are hard-wired to think about sex. Sex leads to procreation, and procreation leads to population growth. Population growth leads to the destruction of the planet.
A recent survey conducted by Air New Zealand's Getaway magazine revealed that while a plane is waiting to taxi, 85 per cent of the passengers already seated imagined having sex with 95 per cent of the passengers walking down the aisle who were yet to be seated.
These are fairly powerful statistics and I guarantee that the next time you are late boarding a plane, they are the kind of statistics you are likely to remember.
I think it is time to face facts, and the facts are no matter how much recycling and green living we do over the next 50 years it could never off-set the destruction of the planet caused by worldwide population growth. It is pure mathematics and, like it or not, no amount of low pressure shower nozzles and feel-good recycle bin management is ever going to change that.
Apologies for the eclectic nature of the content in this column, but that's what you get when you try to recycle a whole lot of ideas that never worked the first time around.
