That Guy: But wait, there's more! And you get to write it

Opinion

This week I would like to announce a brand new competition. Have you ever wanted to be a published writer? Well that's where you and I differ, because I haven't.

But as arguably one of the best, I am going to give somebody else the chance I should never have had. I am giving you the opportunity to be a Herald on Sunday columnist for one entire year!

Simply send in a 700 to 800-word column that reads in a style of your choosing, but preferably mine - in other words, it should read like I wrote it. Send your column in and you could be in to win!

But winning won't be easy. Using cutting-edge technological tools such as SpellCheck and WordCount, I will carefully scrutinise your submission for grammatical and what we in the trade call "schoolboy" errors.

And should you win, performing the role throughout the year will be even tougher.

You will need to come up with at least 52 fresh ideas, may need to submit a column while drunk on long weekends, and you will feel the pressure of deadlines, not to mention the derision of the critics, New Zealand's intelligentsia and of course your own editor.

But if you have what it takes the rewards can be worth it - you will see your words in print.

Best of all, you can write about anything you want. Obviously for clerical and contractual reasons your name will not actually be printed on the articles, but you will know that YOU wrote them.

You can take pride in the fact that now you are a genuine ghostwriter, standing in the shadows alongside such notable luminaries as the ghostwriter of Naomi Campbell's unjustly lambasted novel Swan and the guy who wrote Ali Williams' last book.

You'd think that was prize enough. But wait, there's more!

The top three entrants will get to spend a day with me on what I call "Column Day Friday", which also happens to be the day I submit my column.

Join me and Dan Carter* for a breakfast at one of Parnell's top cafes, where you will meet many of journalism's "in" crowd. Later we will go nightclubbing with the "it" crowd.

At breakfast you can order what you like but don't eat too much, because soon after that you will be whisked away by helicopter** to the Kingsland colonic irrigation centre and then on to a one-on-one syntax and grammar TXT SPK workshop.

Could there be any more? Absolutely!

You'll learn the secrets of the trade from the masters. Ever wanted to know how to change ribbons on Underwood Five typewriters? You'll learn how!

As if that wasn't enough we'll throw in a master class in succinct and hard-hitting writing with Hone Harawira.

After that you will be back with me. I will give a lecture on how alcoholism, masturbation and procrastination, in this day and age, can all have an impact on a writer's deadline.

After an afternoon tea hosted by All Black legend Sid Going it's time to literally step it up with a dancing class with Candy Lane, from Dancing with the Stars.

This intense dance workshop with an emphasis on samba and other exciting latino rhythms will help you unlock the Oscar Wilde within. You will be amazed at how the physical act of dancing and typing while wearing a purple frilly Bolero-style shirt will get those creative juices flowing.

Get a scoop in tabloid journalism! A picture is worth 1000 words so you will need to learn the close relationship between photography and top-quality journalism in the modern era.

After a crash course in point-and-shoot photography, all going well I'll give you the unique opportunity to catch me in bed with TV3's Samantha Hayes.***

So what are you waiting for? It's time to get writing.

Conditions may apply:

*Dan Carter may not be available due to Super 14 Rugby, and personal commitments;

**Auckland aviation regulations may dictate that helicopters are forbidden to land in Parnell and surrounding suburbs, in which case we will use Steve's car;

***Steamy photo shoot subject to ongoing negotiations with TV3 and Samantha Hayes, but in a worst-case scenario John Campbell and Mike McRoberts have expressed interest in being involved.

Note: All submissions become the property of Leigh Hart Enterprises Ltd and may be used in any form, with or without acknowledgement on an as-needed basis.