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Australia is a country so infested with natural hazards that it's no surprise acclaimed naturalist Bernard Cooper called it the most dangerous place on earth.
Ironically, before Dr Cooper could finish his book entitled The A to Z of Dangerous Australian Flora and Fauna he was killed while over indulging in a hotel pool bar at a Cairns resort. His bloated body was pulled from the bottom of the pool only after the barman noticed that an unclaimed pina colada had been sitting at the bar for over 45 minutes. The official death certificate read: "Death through drowning and poolside misadventure, not helped by years of alcohol abuse and self-loathing".
Had Dr Cooper finished his book, the back cover synopsis probably would have suggested that an Australian holiday is a disaster waiting to happen and, after having spent a week with the family at a North Queensland resort, I would have to agree.
Even the seemingly most passive of Australian creatures, koala bears, are potentially lethal. Latest genetic research suggests koalas are quite literally wolves in sheeps' clothing, as they share common DNA with the wolf on their father's side, and the sheep on their mother's. According to Dr Cooper, who only got as far as "bears" in his alphabetical glossary of dangerous wildlife before he drowned, the koala has the propensity to snap. "Koala bears are alcoholics and often have hangovers resulting from sessions on the Gunja or fermented eucalyptus leaf juice. These conditions can make koalas susceptible to mood swings and violent anti-social behaviour.
"Once a koala has snapped, it must taste blood before it will calm down and, as they hunt in packs, this will often prove fatal to the victim. A school of 'cuddly' koalas attacking its unsuspecting prey has been likened to a frenzy of Amazon piranhas, with the obvious exception being the fact that koalas hate the water as their fur bloats and expands like tampons in a fish tank. The late great Steve Irwin suggested that if you are attacked by a school of koalas you should head straight for the water."
The downside to this advice is that Australian waters, be they salted or fresh, are the most dangerous waters in the solar system. In the salted water you have man- and woman-eating sharks, sea snakes, saltwater crocodiles and a creature which is euphemistically referred to as a stinger. In reality, stingers are huge jellyfish that can secrete enough poison to kill a four- or five-piece covers band. Once a stinger has stunned its prey, it has the ability to absorb the body of its prey into its own, much like the creature in the sci-fi classic The Blob starring the late Steve McQueen.
The fresh water, of course, is infested with freshwater crocodiles, freshwater snakes, platypuses, and river boats.
River boats have huge combine harvester-like paddles that can dice a man or woman into pieces in seconds!
Locals call them the grim reapers of the billabongs and it's hardly surprising that, statistically speaking, you are more likely to be killed in Australia by a river boat than a dingo, a fact that didn't do Lindy Chamberlain any favours at the time of her first trial.
Snakes are everywhere in Australia and, of the 10 most venomous species on earth, Australia plays host to 25 of them. Australian snakes make American snakes look as incompetent as their armed forces and if you are bitten by an Australian snake you have very little chance of survival.
Snakes were the main topic of conversation during our holiday and just about everyone we bumped into in the hotel lobby, bar or restaurant had a story about a family member or loved one who had been fully devoured by some sort of reticulating python, or paralysed by the incredibly toxic venom of a yellow-bellied black snake. It is an everyday occurrence in Australia and one they have become accustomed to.
I met an Australian guy called Greg by the pool who was on the same seven-day holiday package as us and, by the end of the week, he had lost his entire family to snakes and other dangerous flora and fauna. His wife was fully consumed by a reticulated python outside the hotel's business centre; his boy Dwayne was dragged from the shallows by a great white, and his 5-year-old twins were sucked below the beach sands by carnivorous trap-door crabs. I later learned that Greg was killed by a paddle steamer.
Snakes stalked us throughout our holiday and we learned first-hand that snakes are very sleazy by nature, especially the ones that hang around the resorts, commonly referred to as resort pythons. They have evolved over the years to take advantage of tourists. They will wait until you order room service and then hitch a ride into your room via a covered tray of food. They know what room you are in and are willing to wait until the day before you check out if they have to.
I hope this column hasn't put anybody off visiting Australia. There are still some fantastic packages on offer, especially if you are prepared to stay in your room watching the Discovery Channel for the bulk of your holiday as we did.
