KEY POINTS:
Only days after the Boobs on Bikes parade, Auckland is bracing itself for another storm in a D Cup.
The Testicles on Bikes parade is scheduled for sometime in early December and already it is dividing the people of Auckland into two distinct camps: those who have heard of it and those who haven't.
The actual date is yet to be confirmed, as the first-choice date clashed with the ever-popular Santa Parade. That parade has been running since 1928 so most people accept it should have first choice over later, less traditional parades such as Boobs on Bikes, Testicles on Bikes and the short-lived Vaginas on Horses.
A guy I sometimes buy cannabis from told me that organisers of Testicles on Bikes have been talking with Santa's people and by all accounts they have reached an amicable arrangement over the date. Santa actually expressed interest in the Testicles on Bikes parade but for obvious PR reasons, he has declined an official invitation to take part.
There are so many ridiculous PC regulations in his job nowadays. Kids sitting on his knee in a shopping mall wouldn't have a clue how much he gets monitored. That's why, these days, most shopping mall Santa Clauses are actually women. It's like teaching: no males want to go into it any more, it's not worth the risk.
Imagine the field day the lefty PC police would have if Santa paraded his testicles down Queen St. It's a shame but it's just a sign of the times.
One of my sources, who for obvious reasons didn't want to be named, told me that the current Santa has fairly impressive testicles, especially compared with some of his little helpers, but with the current mayor in office it is highly unlikely that he will be partaking in the TOB parade anytime soon.
I assumed Dick Hubbard would be unavailable for comment so I didn't bother to contact him, but I think it would be fair to assume that his view on this event would be consistent with his view on Boobs on Bikes. With this in mind I have taken the liberty of writing a comment on his behalf:
"Testicles on Bikes is morally repugnant and a gross misuse of a motorcycle."
It would be fairly pointless to respond to Hubbard's comment considering I wrote it myself.
Trent Harvey, one of the unofficial organisers of the parade, says that the Testicles on Bikes parade is merely a celebration of manhood. Testicles are very natural and are very much at the centre of what it means to be a man so why shouldn't we present them to the people of Auckland once a year on top of a Harley Davidson's fuel tank?
Those against the parade claim that there is nothing natural about it and many of those opting to take part in the parade have actually had testicle implants giving them an over-inflated, and very unnatural, look and feel.
The parade was originally designed to create awareness for men's health. Tragically, testicular cancer, old rugby injuries and man flu are seriously overlooked in this country and, in the opinion of people like Dave Davison, Testicles on Bikes is one way of making people take notice, especially if it's timed during a lunch break.
The detractors, however, suggest this is the wrong way to create awareness for such serious health issues. Most feel that the health message will be lost amid the controversy, and motorcycle seats not designed for showcasing testicles.
Many Aucklanders are probably unaware that Testicles on Bikes is actually in its third year.
The first parade involved just four men, three of whom were arrested while they were buying their bikes. The fourth pulled out mid-parade due to a nasty burn he got from an illegal high-profile exhaust pipe. But, from humble beginnings, this year's parade is set to break participation records.
Just a few minutes ago, I went outside and took a poll in the street to gauge the support for the Testicles on Bikes parade. The results were interesting but were overshadowed slightly by the fact that I locked myself out of the house and had to break the small window in the laundry to enable me to get back in.
Most people didn't seem to have a problem with the testicles themselves, but rather the noise and the carbon footprint these large-CC motorbikes might leave.
In my experience this is a typical response from Aucklanders and the kind of petty complaining that might just see an event like Testicles on Bikes being snapped up by the people of Hamilton, much like the V8 super cars racing. Aucklanders need to wake up and realise if they want a world-class international festival like this in their city, they will have to expect some costs and a little inconvenience.
