KEY POINTS:
Just as many of the world's largest banking institutions are on the verge of collapse, it seems one bank in particular is riding out the storm and benefiting in these times of financial uncertainty.
Most branches worldwide have had to expand their vaults by up to 60 per cent to safely store deposits, or risk what director Gustav Schroeder calls a safety deposit explosion of unprecedented proportions.
"An unforeseen explosion in the safety deposit section at our bank is far more devastating than a merger, takeover or even collapse.
"What's more, it is hard to predict or control as it tends to occur when the bank is doing particularly well."
Sperm banks tend to run on a different financial cycle than the more traditional financial institutions. Naturally, the more deposits or transactions they do, the better off they are financially.
During a recession, when people are struggling, many tend to make unplanned deposits at sperm banks for financial gain, or in many cases just to fill in time.
However the conundrum is, of course, that almost overnight the volatile vaults can risk catastrophic explosion due to a sudden increase in unplanned deposits.
Putting it simply, most banks can face collapse when everybody suddenly withdraws but sperm banks risk explosion when everybody suddenly deposits.
Few will forget when Vankbank in Switzerland blew up just before closing on August 12, 2001.
The horrific, almost surreal, television images of tellers, customers and emergency staff covered in white goo painted a picture too powerful for this journalist to try to replicate with just words.
When the second vault blew up live on television, covering CNN's buxom field reporter Kelly Winter head-to-toe in low-interest semen, we knew we had seen one of television's days to remember.
Kelly kept her cool, she finished the piece to camera, delivering her now famous final line, "Oh the humanity". She was right, as she was quite literally covered in it.
Sperm banks normally operate like nightclubs with a one in, one out type deposit system, but critics say if the system goes unchecked and too many deposits are made relative to the amount of withdrawals, pressure will build, and it is only a matter of time before it blows.
Just as they have in the financial sector of banking in recent times, many people now want legislation or controls in the sperm bank industry.
Wank Street Journal editor Barry Fischer says, "This laissez faire approach to sperm banking is irresponsible and we should have learned our lessons from 2001. People are depositing well beyond their means, and beyond what is safe."
Many safety mechanisms have been suggested but the one with the most support seems to be a system suggested by Howard King. He began as a teller at Vankbank, then worked his way up to be the head of foreign exchange. The former plumber says a safety valve system, similar to those in hot water cylinders, will do the job.
When the vault becomes too full and the pressure builds, the excess semen will be ejaculated from the vault through a pipe on the roof.
The discharge will relieve the pressure, ensuring the bank proper remains structurally sound and the bulk of the deposits remain secure.
Which deposits exactly will be discharged is another matter and one that is bound to be the subject of much future debate.
European banks tend to operate a first-in, first-out type of system whereas the larger US banks prefer a last-in, first-out model. Also being debated is whether the emergency release system should be automated, or controlled by somebody like governor of the Reserve Sperm Bank.
Can a human, especially a male as is currently the case, be trusted to make the right decision as to when to release when under pressure? Depending on who is governor at the time, many argue that they may wait too long before pressing the emergency release or, conversely, ejaculate prematurely, initiating what is known in the sperm banking sector as an all stocks must go clearance sale.
Most experts agree that although safety measures are inevitable and important, ideally it should never come down to that, especially if the public is sensible about banking.
