Te Radar: Where there's smoke there's a phone

I am contemplating taking up the habit of smoking cigarettes, not because of any desire for the nicotine they contain, nor do I wish to be perceived as looking cool, and certainly not as a legitimate but prolonged suicide attempt.

I simply want a free video-capable cellphone.

National MP Tony Ryall has labelled a new trial, aimed at discouraging teenage smokers to cease, and which will offer up to 200 teenagers a free phone, as wasteful, stating "It will be milked for all it's worth".

What Ryall didn't say was that in this age of anti-violence the last thing that young people needed was a backhander to encourage them to do anything.

Clearly, I am no longer a teenager. However, it seems to me that the scheme is so transparently ageist it must be in contravention of some kind of equal opportunity law.

In this litigious age I should have the right, with the assistance of a crusading lawyer, funded by legal aid, to apply for the trial.

No doubt my newly formed smoking habit will only be exacerbated by the stress of the legal proceedings necessary to procure my phone.

I may need additional compensation for this, perhaps in the form of more free minutes on my new phone.

Another brilliant governmental agency also launched its new initiative this week, just as the nation was using record amounts of electricity.

Sparc (Sport and Recreation New Zealand) have suggested that the way to combat the cold conditions is not to turn up the heater, but simply to become more active.

Their "Push Play" slogan did confuse me for some time though, as I had initially thought it was a marketing drive by the Film Commission to encourage us to watch more movies.

One of their proposals was to play musical chairs with children. Regrettably they never mentioned where one could find children to partake in this activity for those who weren't in possession of any.

It did seem to imply, however, that not only would you then be trapped inside the house, but that you would also be marooned there with hordes of hyperactive children.

Perhaps Sparc could have advocated that people without children try for some themselves, as both an exercise regime and a power reduction measure.

"Reduce frigidity by reducing frigidity" may be an appropriate slogan.

This was clearly taken to heart by one enterprising prison inmate. Clearly upset that he wasn't housed in one of the new prisons, with their underfloor heating, he decided a little physical activity may warm him, and he somehow managed to have a prostitute smuggled into the prison.

Sadly, for the inmate, they were discovered before they could engage in any inappropriate exercise.

The most tragic reward scheme recently mooted was by Hamilton's child advocacy agency, Parentline, who suggested that they may start offering "fish and chips vouchers" to those who report child abuse.

Hopefully this won't lead to allegations of child abuse from anti child-obesity campaigners, furious that children will be offered fattening food.

Better chubby than bashed, I say.