Te Radar: Look what kids can do for the economy

If there was one thing I hadn't realised the planet was short of, it was Australians. This belief was reinforced when their esteemed Macquarie University recently conducted a scientific survey in which 13 mothers were asked to bury their noses in dirty diapers to ascertain if they were less revolted by the stench of their own child's excretions, than by that of others' whippersnappers.

Apparently the odour of their own offspring's ordure proved less repellent to them than that of others, which caused the scientists to conclude that mothers are more accustomed to the feculent fragrance of their own child.

This is apparently a good thing and handy for the evolutionary process.

It also proved that people will do just about anything if asked to by someone armed with a white coat and a clipboard.

I am unsure whether this study has anything to do with Australia's latest call to naturalistic nationalism, but it seems our transtasman cousins are being urged to produce a larger generation of Trevs and Shazzas for the sake of the economy and national unity.

They are being wooed to woo by the Australian Treasurer, Peter Costello, who is adamant that the nation must hear the flip-flop of tiny thongs.

"It's more of us we need, or we'll have to let in more of those damned immigrants, and look at the beach-bash that resulted from that little scheme" he implied, when stating that violence and disruption could result if the birthrate does not increase.

Not only is he urging Aussies to mate for their mates, but he also declared, "I think fathers are probably doing better, but I think the mothers of Australia will tell you there's room for improvement".

If that slight upon their competency doesn't quash the Australian male ardour, their Government is further encouraging them to do their patriotic duty by paying parents $4800 for every newborn.

Clearly, if people don't want to lie back and think of Australia they can instead lie back and think of the cash. It may not be fun but it pays a good hourly rate.

On this side of the ditch we seem to have quite the opposite problem.

If anything, we appear to be discouraging people from breeding, as it seems we can't look after the children we already have.

The problem, it seems, is that children are "falling through the gaps". This is not really true. The problem is that children are being thrown at walls. And punched. And shaken. And loved entirely inappropriately.

To alleviate this, Children's Commissioner Cindy Kiro has suggested a national database of all children be set up.

Every child will have a government agent to personally monitor them. No doubt the monitors will also need to be monitored. They will also need to be recruited, vetted, organised and paid.

In due course we will become a nation with an economy entirely dedicated to childcare, which is rather ironic, given how atrocious we're supposed to be at this skill now.