Te Radar: Hydraulic heifer operation a labour of love

The phrase to "take the bull by the horn" was given an entirely inappropriate contextualisation this week, at our annual farmers' Mecca, the National Fieldays.

Among thousands of exhibits, one stood out; a demonstration of the new technology in harvesting bull-fluid.

When it comes to animal breeding know-how, it seems we are world-beaters.

Described rather ambitiously as a "Mechanical Cow", the motorised salvation of the semen industry is simply a go-kart with a sturdy metal roof, onto which had been laid a cow skin.

The hydraulic heifer can be raised and lowered into different positions to suit the nature of the job by an operator who sits inside it, and who is also tasked with manoeuvring what can best be described as "the catcher's mitt".

News of this event has traversed the world's media, with Reuters reporting that "a live sex show featuring bulls and go-karts was a big attraction at a local agricultural exhibition".

Quite what this does for our international agrarian reputation, I do not know.

As the child of farmers I was exposed from a very young age to the concept of artificial insemination. As a 4-year-old, the sight of the AI technicians, buried elbow deep in cows, quickly removed all notions of the beauty and romance of conception.

What I never really considered as a child was how they sourced the sauce.

On the television news, one of those involved in the demonstration, a chipper chap called Dave Smith, who was described as an Insemination Technician, stated that "the assembled crowds had a fascination to see where the raw product [as he termed it], came from".

This was undoubtedly true, as news footage showed hordes of onlookers staring at the action with shocked bemusement.

Many who were so incredulous their mouths fell open.

All of this leads to one simple question: how people go about acquiring the profession of manipulator of mammalian manhoods.

How, and where do they acquire the skills required?

Does it begin as a hobby that then leads them into being paid to do the work they love?

Surely it wouldn't be appropriate for school careers advisors to suggest it as a livelihood for students who, in their opinion, showed a propensity to that kind of task.

And what do those in the profession tell their children they do for a living?

Upon investigating this unorthodox career path, I happened across the kiwicareers.govt.nz website, where some wag had listed the requisite skills required for the position of an Animal Breeding Technician.

These included a knowledge of different livestock breeds, a good understanding of livestock anatomy, and good animal handling skills. It goes on to state that applicants should not be squeamish.

I suspect warm hands would also be an asset, as would a helmet, goggles and a raincoat.