Stuart Dye: Science* reveals we're better than Spain

Winston Reid's point-maker makes our boys better than Slovakia, Cameroon and Japan. Photo / Brett Phibbs

New Zealand currently stand 78th in the Fifa world rankings, but now that every team has played its first game of the World Cup, a much clearer picture has emerged of where we stand against the world's best 31 nations.

First up, there is some evidence that is beyond question. We are head and shoulders above anyone who has not got a point - that is called a "universal truth".

There are 10 teams in this category who, for the purposes of this experiment, we'll call "The Losers".

So, we're better than North Korea and we're better than Algeria, though that is probably not a surprise to most.

Interestingly, we're better than Cameroon and Denmark who were both thumped 2-0. Man-for-man, that means up front Shane Smeltz is better than Arsenal star Nicklas Bendtner. That was obvious anyway, as Bendtner can't hold down a starting spot for his London club while Smeltz owns the A-League's Golden Boot and is one of the first names on the teamsheet at Gold Coast United.

We're also better than Honduras, Greece, Nigeria and Serbia, but in the case of the latter at least that was already unequivocally proven with our 2-1 friendly victory a few weeks back.

The shock result from this study is that we are better than Spain, a fact that demands closer scrutiny.

That scrutiny reveals a fundamental flaw in the Spanish DNA. Despite high-quality specimens including Fernando Torres, Andres Iniesta and David Villa, the European champions are evidentially a Winston Reid short of perfection.

And finally, we're obviously huge leaps above the tournament's whipping boys; Australia. A 4-0 drubbing means the Socceroos are the worst team at the World Cup.

The second part of this investigation analyses those teams which, like the All Whites, drew a game so have one point.

However, New Zealand scored a goal so we can conclude without a doubt that we are better than any teams that didn't. Ipso facto, Ivory Coast, Uruguay, France and Portugal become a sub-category we can call "Beneath Us".

We are now left with 17 teams which, on the face of it, would seem to be on par or better than the All Whites.

However, a robust scientific test demands we moderate the results for variable factors.

Of the other teams that drew 1-1, South Africa can be discounted because they are the home nation. Likewise their opponents, Mexico, can also be discounted because they failed to beat a team this test has just proved is beneath New Zealand.

We can rule out both the US and Paraguay because they played teams far better than them and will never reach those heights again.

And, of course, Slovakia scored an off-side goal which should never have counted so we're better than them.

Curiously, science also reveals an anomaly. Some of the teams that won their first match are worse than the All Whites.

Chile had not won a World Cup match in 48 years before their win this week. New Zealand has gained a point only 28 years since first trying, which makes us the better team.

Other winners include Ghana, South Korea, Japan and Slovenia. Inputting the "opposition played" factor here reduces the quality of the winner.

Switzerland, meanwhile, must be discounted as their rogue result would skew otherwise robust research.

That leaves just six teams either "Possibly As Good As Us" or "Probably Better Than Us".

We are on par with England and Italy. Those above the All Whites are Germany, Argentina, the Netherlands and Brazil.

These findings, which provide compelling evidence that the All Whites are the joint fifth-best team in the world, will be forwarded to Fifa immediately.

*The word scientific is used figuratively and imaginatively and is not intended to reflect anything remotely scientific.