Sideswipe

A Peta advertisement.

It appears Peta (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is trying to divert us from evil dairy products by persuading drinkers of non-human milk that if the Virgin Mary's human milk was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for all of us. Trouble is, once you're over a certain age it's not really socially acceptable to latch on. Peta obviously would prefer to live in a society which has breast-fed 12-year-olds, rather than enslaved cows.

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Under the headline "Madonna's African Coup Nears Completion" Defamer.com covers news of Madge's latest purchase: "The 1-year old boy Madonna has been trying to adopt from Malawi - despite laws that prohibit the nation's young from being clutched to the ample bosoms of foreign women with proven conic-bra proclivities - officially arrived today in England, where he will soon take up his role sitting quietly in a playpen while Madonna spends eight hours hotboxed in a yoga class ... His arrival brings the makeshift British matron's African impulse-shopping spree to a close, having yielded her a children's charity, a high-court grant for a temporary adoption, and, presumably, an inside track to usurping the country's highest seat of power; once she's rechristened the country Madgelawi and turned Justify My Love into its national anthem, she can finally rest knowing that Angelina Jolie is weeping into her pillow about just not having tried hard enough."

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A reader writes: "We used to just brush our teeth. Then the toothbrush manufacturers came up with a special new device to brush tongues. The latest design promises a new attachment that removes the bacteria from our cheeks. How long before we can expect a radical new toothbrush with which to clean our nostrils?"

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Seven golfing mates buy return tickets to Waiheke. After a salubrious game of golf they catch the ferry back to Auckland. Upon disembarking one of the group cannot find his ticket, but does find his eftpos receipt that clearly states he purchased a return ticket. Ticket collector will not allow him to disembark without a ticket. Police are called after some "debate". Ticket collector told to let it go and golfing mates are told to go home. Maybe the ticket collector should think outside the box a bit more.

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Co-owner of the Courthouse Cafe in Alexandra, Victoria Massey writes: "Okay, so let's clear up the story about a group of women from Westmere who were escorted by police off the premises of the Courthouse Cafe recently. What cafe in New Zealand would like to invite a group of rude women to move furniture around in their cafe so that about eight kids could eat their own packed lunches instead of paying for the cafe's delicious kids' platter? (They spent a total of about $30 between about six women and eight kids.) And when the group were informed that what they were doing was not okay, one individual became so verbally aggressive and agitated at staff that the only way to dissolve the situation was to phone the police."

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To the owner of the flashy silver Primera seen in rush-hour traffic in Ash St, Avondale, on Monday at 5.20pm: "You are lucky the traffic was moving fast enough to prevent the used takeaway coffee cups you had so forcibly expelled from your car window from re-entering said car window via the disgusted motorist following ... Could do with a *555 phone number to dob in the likes of you, who lack any social or moral conscience ... May all your future coffees be bitter!"