Sideswipe

Fancy a round with Marc Ellis? Or a roast for four cooked by Jacquie Brown?

The Auckland City Mission's winter appeal this year involves celebrities and others offering "various services" to the highest bidders - all to be auctioned on Trade Me from Monday. Highlights:

The ironic auction: Getting over her recent "head-rape" at the hands of her hairdresser, Charlotte Dawson is offering the pleasure of her company for a cut, blow wave and makeup, courtesy of Servilles.

The not-leaving-his-comfort-zone auction: Marc Ellis will play a round with the winner at Wairakei with a leading golf coach and a few beers afterwards.

The would-rather-see-Marc-Ellis-do-this auction: Five hours' residential window cleaning.

The most ill-thought-out auction: TV3 weather presenter Toni Marsh will record a voicemail greeting for the highest bidder. (I wonder what kind of things bidders will want Toni to say?)

The strangest auction: Metalier Ltd will bronze your sports shoes.

The stingiest auction: The Yoga Academy will give one voucher for one person to attend a yoga class.

The most generous celebrity auction: Jacquie Brown, who has offered to come and cook a roast for four in their home.

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John Mackay writes: "What's worse than a tagger? A paid commercial tagger. On Tuesday night two young people were busy with a professional-looking stencil, spray-painting multiple graffiti advertisements for Listerine on the terrazzo footpath pavers of Queen St. Listerine is a consumer product of Pfizer New Zealand, who list among their core values 'Respect' and 'Community'. How would they react if their own building was tagged?"

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Kids Fair, not fair. A Howick reader writes: "I too was disgusted at paying $5 for my 6-year-old son to go on the M&M train. We watched as his excited little face went through the doorway, only to reappear less than a minute later out the other side! What? A minute's ride for $5! Yes, he got a 'free' small bag of M&Ms but it was an expensive bag of lollies!"

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Susan Polk was convicted of murdering her husband, after a long trial in California. Deciding to represent herself, Polk spent two weeks on the witness stand as questioner and witness (and in a judge-allowed departure, as her deep-voiced husband, as she recreated their conversations). Polk also told the jury that she is psychic, that she called the September 11 attacks in advance, that her husband was an Israeli intelligence agent, that she once foiled an assassination attempt on the Pope, and that Colin Powell is the Antichrist. (Source: News of the Weird)

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Mass parochial prejudice towards Aucklanders by non-Aucklanders and fuelled by regional rugby loyalties led to the creation of the word Jafa. We all know what it means, so I won't spell it out. On a trip to Wellington the bloke bloggers at Generation XY realised Wellington had its fair share of Jafa types and decided to run a competition to find an acronym that best encapsulates a Wellingtonian. There's a prize and the best will be published in Sideswipe. Go to generation-xy.blogspot.com and exact your revenge.