KEY POINTS:
It's 2008 and the ol' video phone is still trying to make it into our homes. But, really, who wants to have to spend time in front of the mirror just to make a phone call?
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Warning: the following is a gender stereotypical joke - take with grain of salt.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The sign on the first-floor door reads Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The second-floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
The third-floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are good looking and help with housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Pieter writes: "Roger from Te Atatu is completely right when he claims catnip does not work. The reason for this is that the name "catnip" refers to around 200 differing species of plant, only some of which affect cats. Unfortunately, many cat toys are not tested on animals (how humane), and are sold even though they are as effective as water. The plant you want to try is Nepeta cataria. Alternatively, you could just use bacon; I have yet to find a cat that will ignore bacon."
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Elizabeth Beeland went to a retailer in Daytona Beach, Florida, to get a CD player for her father. While there, she got an emergency call about her daughter and she stepped outside to take the call, leaving her credit card behind. This made the clerk think Beeland was using a stolen credit card. Police officer Claudia Wright approached Beeland, who she says was "verbally profane" towards her. So Wright Tasered and arrested Beeland for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. But not for credit card fraud. The card Beeland left behind was, in fact, her own. (Source: Reason.com)
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This time of year means a glut of SPCA stories, nostalgic caravan pieces and contradictory horoscope forecasts. And most Aucklanders, we are led to believe, are either at the bach, on the yacht, or at the seasonal sales. The truth is most will be in a backyard somewhere with a few friends reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the next. I will be in the minority today - sans hangover due to a ciabatta in the oven - and so wish all SideSwipe readers who overindulged a very Happy New Year and a speedy recovery.
