Sideswipe: The very best of Sideswipe

Separated at birth? Rodney Hide and "The Hood", the arch-villain from Thunderbirds.

Sideswipe has been running every weekday in the New Zealand Herald for eight years as of today. Thanks to all the readers who have contributed their comments, gags and pictures. Keep 'em coming. To celebrate, here's a full page of the best of Sideswipery - with Ana Samways' highlights from this year and a few memorable snippets from the early days.

No means no

Fantastic exchange in the question and answers of a Trade Me auction selling a PT Cruiser:

Q. Hi is it diezel or petrul, does it cum wiv off road tyres and is it 4WD? Has it got a bench seet? Hav u had a blow off valve fitted, can it b lowered? I'm in court Mon so can you text the answer.
A. No, No, No, No, No, No and NO in that order.
Q. Hey Bra, can u cal afta 5 my ph has no mulaas, we r in Ngongotaha TXT me, im in crt 2day.
A. And again, No Lisa No.

Disastrous dates

1. Sean remembers going on a dinner date with a woman who said that when she was nervous her nose would bleed. "It did, and she was very nervous. Deeply unfortunate and unattractive. I convinced her to call it a night after she bled on her cheesecake."

2. "I agreed to meet a guy from an internet dating site," says a reader. "He was younger than me, and looked even younger in person. We went to Burger King and after we arrived, he said, 'Um, I've got no money'."

3. "One guy told me he was 35, but a quick Google search showed him to be nearly 51. Before we even met in person, he told me we were going back to his house for a 'cuddle'. Not an invitation, not finding out if I was attracted to him, just a plan he'd made up in his head and assumed would happen."

Southern style

You may have heard "I am Dunedin" is to be dropped as Dunedin's slogan and a nationwide search is on for a new one. Naturally, the local Twitter community has a few ideas. These are some of the best ...

Dunedin: You can afford to buy a house here!
Dunedin: Parents, can you please come and pick up your kids?
Dunedin: A nice place to chill.
Dunedin: I can see Antarctica from my house.
Dunedin: You'll have a rioting good time.
Dunedin: Looking forward to global warming.
Dunedin: More carparks than people.
Dunedin: 98,000 and still shrinking.
Dunedin: Hang a left at the burning couch.
Dunedin: Just the way you left it.
Dunedin: Riviera of the Antarctic.
Dunedin: Down there.

Inadvertent thief

An unwitting thief writes: "To the poor young man who hopped out of Lake Tarawera on Friday after a refreshing swim to find his towel and other precious belongings missing, I'm sorry. I'm the dozy grandmother who packaged them up with my grandchildren's gear. I've left the evidence at the Rotorua police station for you to claim."

Age concern

Glen Cordes, of Glendowie, was enjoying the New Year's Day races at Ellerslie when a short and stout older gentleman, obviously well-to-do, walked past with a pretty, much younger lass in tow. "One of our 3-year-olds turned to us and asked: 'Mummy, why is that girl holding her daddy's hand?'. Ah, from the mouths of babes."

Proud historical moment

Fiona wonders when it is no longer appropriate to advertise an award you've won ... "While driving past the Epsom Fish & Chips shop I noticed their sign proudly tells people they won the award for 'best fish & chips in Auckland 1993-96'."

It's for you ...

Creepy coincidence: When Robert Park was 16, he was walking his dog with his then girlfriend. "This was in the days of red telephone boxes with coin-operated phones," he explained. "Our usual route took us past just such a phone booth. To our astonishment, it started to ring. Urged to pick up the phone, I did. On the other end was my best friend's little brother looking for his brother. I asked how he got this number. He said he'd rung my home number. I explained that this was a telephone booth and as it turned out, the number of the booth was only one digit different from my home number. A misdial still got the person he was looking for."

Vehicle eyesore

Katie was stunned to find this note on her car on Meadowbank Rd: "Hello, sorry to bother you but could you make sure you park this car between the hours of 1am- 4am ONLY, as that's the time that no one can see that it's not a good enough car to be seen during daylight. Thanks, The Firm (Neighbourhood Watch)." Katie drives a white Mazda Familia hatch that "isn't really that bad".

Aussies get one up on us

"Are Australians more Kiwi than we are?" asks a reader. "I work in the PricewaterhouseCoopers building in Auckland's central business district and on Monday, a sign in the lobby indicated that the Australian consulate on level seven was closed. It turns out they had "Mondayised" Waitangi Day, which was on Saturday. So Australians get an extra day off for our national day while we all have to go to work. Crazy."

To cap it all

Tony Baker of Hamilton says he is "fairly old", and last weekend at a wedding in Christchurch he wasn't having too much success with the camera. "That was because I had failed to remove the lens cap. An unsympathetic niece remarked for all to hear, 'It seems Uncle Ant is practising safe photography'."

Overzealous police

Mary Cooke called police to report a speeding driver near her home in Newcastle-under-Lyme, England. A policewoman visited and took a report. A few days later, Cooke, who is pregnant, got a letter from social services. The officer had reported her as a potentially unfit mother because of the condition her house was in. Cooke was in the middle of redecorating.

Short-sighted teacher

A teacher writes: "Being short-sighted in my job is bad enough, but this stifling Auckland heat really zaps you. While teaching a class last week, I became increasingly irritated by a student muttering away at the back. Finally I let rip at his impertinence. After my caustic outburst, the class erupted in laughter. A young lad at the front told me I had just spent several minutes abusing a wall fan."

Modesty rules, okay?

And just recently, this ... John Minto was at an anti-war rally on Customs St, Auckland. Much to the amusement of some of those present, he led a chant, "Willie out now". Fortunately, no one complied. John Minto was actually referring to bringing Corporal Willie Apiata, VC, back from his overseas deployment.

Last word ...

Can't please all of the people all of the time: "The average reader of this column must be 75," declares Jeanna. "Get some young people's stories in there."

And on the same day, Len writes: "I couldn't make head nor tail of the Facebook story or the text-speak from the Trade Me auction the day before. Please remember you have readers (I am 77) who don't spend their lives in front of a screen or on a mobile phone."

YEARS BEST

Bras burned in vain: 2002
A new billboard courtesy of Heart of the City is more likely to promote Parnell as the centre of sex tourism than a fashion hub. The billboard reads: "Where Parnell girls buy their clothes (before removing them)."

Immigrants beware: 2003
Some of the help at the new Auckland City Hospital ducked for cover when the "Migration Team" moved in. The team was set up to smooth the transition from several other hospitals into the new supa-dupa hospital at Grafton. But some workers with a few "migration" issues of their own apparently misread the team's T-shirts. They thought it was an official visit from the Immigration Service.

Book-store paranoia: 2004
A very important older man suffered acute paranoia at the opening of the new Dymocks book store in Queen St last week. While inspecting the store, he passed the history section and the biography section and came upon the older readers' section. "That's a bit on the nose," he said to his companion. Then he realised he was in the children's section.

Hitting the right spot: 2005
Matters arising for the Papatoetoe Cosmopolitan Club's annual general meeting this Sunday include a member inquiring whether the air vents in the upstairs bar could be adjusted, as they interfered with the flight of the darts.

Snake alert: 2006
The Government may not be ready for a full-scale emergency, but one West Auckland factory is. When a woman unpacking cases emerged from the storeroom with a puncture wound behind her knee, a colleague wondered out loud if she had been bitten by a snake. What followed was a MAF alert where the factory and neighbouring stores were closed. A day later, no snake had been found and doctors had ruled out a snake or even a spider bite. That left the possibility of a mosquito or a sharp staple poking out the side of the boxes.

Kites on the radar: 2007
It was kite day and the children were flying their creations. A teacher rang the dental nurse pretending to be the airport control tower suffering radar interference. "Is anything going on in your area?" The dental nurse was last seen running round the field shouting "Get them down! Get them down!"

Blondes in demand: 2008
A reader writes: "We invited our Belgian friends for a barbecue. They have been in New Zealand for three weeks and sometimes struggle with the accent. They asked what wine to bring. I suggested sauvignon blanc, but they didn't understand. After a roar of laughter from the husband, he explained his wife thought I said, 'Bring seven young blondes'."

Recession-proof: 2009
Adam's hairdresser in Tauranga told him about overhearing one of his apprentices while she was cutting the hair of a gent with obvious balding: "Are you busy?" he asked. "Yes, very," she replied. "So, hair still grows in a recession?" "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, "but when the follicle has been destroyed, the hair can never regrow..."