Sideswipe: Nightmare on Elm St

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One of the newly built wooden beam seats in Elm St, Avondale, has gone walkabout and the Avondale Business Association newsletter Spider's Web says it is now "believed to be used for someone's 'umu', 'hangi' or sitting on their porch". The story continues: "We have asked around and were told that Avondale College students hang around that corner every night when the library is closed. The students were seen sitting, jumping and vandalising the seats." Comments in a forum on Spasifikmag.co.nz suggest the story is a racially biased assumption and someone was too quick to point the finger at Avondale College. Writes an exasperated Sideswipe reader: "Next it will be local flax bush missing, possibly used for someone's 'fala (flax mat)' or 'piu piu' or sitting on their front porch. Yes sir, we ethnics keep stealing everything!"

Too cool for school

A recent sublime teaching moment: "And so, class, a merit good is something that society believes is beneficial for people to use".

"Like prostitutes, sir?" Guffaw, guffaw. - "No Vinnie."

"Like condoms, sir?" Guffaw, guffaw. - "Yes Vinnie, in your case that would be very beneficial for society."

Teacher One, Vinnie Nil.

Meter madness

"I too was asked for a key so the meter reader could gain access to my indoor meter," says Bernie. "The meter readers are a separate company to the power co, so I phoned my insurance company and asked what would happen if that key was used by a burglar to gain access. They said I would not be covered as I had provided a key, basically giving the burglar permission to enter. Hence, I haven't provided a key and am now in my 10th year at this address still with the same power company."

Blinkered by hoodies

Bruce reckons driving while wearing a hoodie should be banned. "The number of times I've had someone pull out in front of me (especially at roundabouts) all because of their gangsta-wannabe look hindering their peripheral view."

Big guns for ant invasions

Capital punishment solutions to ant problem:

(1) Heidi says squashing the ants and wiping their remains along the trail. "When they're distressed they excrete formic acid and they realise it is a dangerous place for them."
(2) John suggests mixing equal amounts of baking soda powder with icing sugar. "The ants explode after eating it," he enthuses.
(3) Aravind says that back in India, turmeric is used as a natural ant repellent.
(4) "Nick a couple of artificial sweeteners (that contain Aspartame) next time you are at a cafe - let the ants gorge themselves; a couple of days later you will have no ants," says another reader.
(5) Helen advises squirting PVA glue over the hole. "The ants will then find another way in and I trace them and glue the next hole," she says.
(6) Lisa suggests chalk - apparently ants don't like chalk on their feet, so a nice thick line of chalk around all the doors and windows and a few around the kitchen.
(7) Steven reckons playing Barry Manilow, loudly.