Monty Python's Abusive Voice keychain has 17 sayings, including: "I wave my private parts at your aunties." (source: Play.com)
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Dating Disasters in Godzone:
1. One guy told me he was 35, but a quick Google search showed him to be nearly 51! Before we even met in person, he told me we were going back to his house for a "cuddle". Not an invitation, not finding out if I was attracted to him, just a plan he'd made up in his head and assumed would happen.
2. I agreed to meet a guy from an internet dating site. He was younger than me, and looked even younger in person. We went to Burger King and after we arrived he said: "Um, I've got no money."
3. "I'm just crazy, man, I'm just crazy! I'd like to cover you in passionfruit juice, wouldn't that be wild?" Crazy is a personality trait that doesn't appeal to any woman over the age of 14.
4. We were in a dark bar, where he told me I was "gorgeous" and "fascinating", but that he was hoping to get back with his ex-girlfriend shortly so not to have any expectations.
5. One of my more memorable dates was with a man who told me on our first date, with a beaming smile, what amazing sex he had with "the last girl" he knew. "Talk about conservative on the outside and a wildcat behind closed doors - man she was amazing!" Et cetera, et cetera. He didn't refer to her by name, just as, "the French Girl", and kept smiling at me as if I'd be thrilled by this information.
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John Stephens told the judge that he had a full-time job and intended to turn his life around, but had slipped up when he tried to rob the Your Community Bank. If he "hadn't been watching the news and seeing (other successful) bank robberies" he wouldn't have been tempted, he said. He said he was especially impressed by one serial robber, who had made it look easy by vaulting over banks' counters. (Source: News of the Weird)
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A reader was curious to see if anyone else has encountered this scenario at a restaurant. "When we went to pay for our meal we were told: 'I'm sorry, we don't accept Eftpos, only Visa or Mastercard,"' writes a reader. "Quite miffed, we ended up paying by cash but on the way out we both noticed they did have an Eftpos machine, which they presumably use for their credit card transactions. I wonder what would have happened if we didn't have cash on us? Dishwashing anyone?"
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Viv Wilson is wondering if she's set a record for the longest running washing machine: "Our Fisher & Paykel 405 Model had done 35 years faithful service when it finally had a burst rubber seal above the motor last week and had to be consigned to the rubbish tip. The repair man who came to look at it was amazed by how good it still looked in spite of its long service."
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Graeme Edgeler writes: "Heather's flag featured in Friday's Sideswipe looks cool, but she'd do well to read section 11 of the Flags, Emblems and Names Protection Act: the same law which prevent McDonald's from adding the golden arches to our flag probably prevents her kiwi!"
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Yesterday's Sideswipe was a reprint of an earlier column. We apologise for the error.
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See today's Herald cartoon
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Today's Webpick: A literal music video of Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. (Literal video takes a famous eighties hit and rerecords the lyrics to literally reflect what was going on in the music video). Go here and scroll down.
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