Sideswipe: And the winner is...

Everyday low price? I guess it's a big bottle. Photo / Supplied

The 2010 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (for bad opening lines in fiction) has been judged:

Winner, Romance: "Trent, I love you," Fiona murmured, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover's masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys.

Runner-Up, Historical Fiction: The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there, knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn't understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped, but fundamentally they understood that they didn't like big animals that ate them.

Dishonourable Mention: "Elaine was a big woman, and in her tiny Smart car, stakeouts were always hard for her, especially in the August sun where the humidity made her massive thighs, under her lightweight cotton dress, stick together like two walruses in heat."

POLICEMAN'S ABOUT-TURN

Mandy got stopped for speeding - 70km/h in a 60km/h area. "Are you sure?" she asked. "I thought it was a 70km/h area". "No it's definitely a 60km/h area, here is your ticket," said the policeman, and off he went. Ten minutes later, he phoned her and said: "You were right! It's a 70km/h area. Rip the ticket up!" Yay!

YOUNGSTER KNOWS IT ALL

In-laws # 1: Janine writes: "My in-laws bought their first mobile phone and were working out how to text - practising on our son, 15. After receiving three blank messages, he sent one back saying: "Do you want me to come over and teach you how to txt? Send one blank message for yes or two blank messages for no!"

HUMBLE POT PLANT MISUNDERSTOOD

In-laws #2: "Sitting in my in-laws' back yard here in the US last weekend with my brother-in-law, watching the cousins in a paddling pool, I talked about watering our pot plants back in New Zealand. . A stunned silence, then 'Dude, you need to learn to say 'potted' plant over here if you don't want to get into serious trouble!"'