Sandy Burgham: Never darken my door ... perfect match to messy divorce

No one is supposed to take sides when there's a divorce. Even I was prepared to turn a blind eye to his infidelity until I was invited to be among a true community of New Zealanders out on the water and I saw him in the flesh on his new toy.

Sure, I had read about him and the new wealthy Swiss bimbo he'd left me for, after years of what I thought was a solid marriage. But when I saw him again and alongside our best man Brad, who doesn't seem to be able to look anybody in the eye these days, the reality hit me and I realised just how easily I had let him off the hook.

They said we were the perfect match. Behind every great man there is a great country and while he brought home the bacon I was his back-up team, providing years of support and undying loyalty.

Then, one day he just up and left, mumbling something about needing a new challenge and that red was the new black. I spent days agonising over what went wrong. Was it my fault? Had I let myself go?

Sure, there was the daily grind and financial issues that dog most relationships but, as he said himself many times, we're a team. I particularly remember him reinforcing this as he sipped champagne from our special cup which he now wants to give to his new girlfriend.

Look, it might just be an unsightly auld mug but I'm fighting tooth and nail for it, because it was ours, not his, to give.

Sure, I don't love him any more but it still hurts that for the years that I thought we were making love, all along I was just getting screwed. Oh, I remember the wedding. Boy, I saw fireworks that night all right. Sir Peter blessed us and guests came from all round the world.

I knew he wasn't marrying me for my money but I never dreamed it was simply a marriage of convenience on his part. Looking back I realise that possibly the only bit he really meant was when he looked into my eyes and said "I, Russell, take ... "

Yes, well, he's proved to be quite an expert at that. But as a minister at our ceremony said during a reading - "what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?"

Now he has the audacity to show up again, and with half the bridal party, after breaking the vows which I would like to point out he asked us to renew only three years ago.

Friends have suggested I need to move on, grow up, and perhaps be more international in my outlook. But I no longer want to be a namby pamby patriotic fence-sitter. That attitude will get me nowhere. Because as the saying goes, if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

And here I am trying to instil the virtues of integrity, honesty and, above all else, loyalty into our kids and there he is sending them mixed messages.

Of course, these second marriages are always a bit sticky and I reckon with time he'll regret it. He thinks I'm just being over-sensitive about him wanting to run off with our silverware but it's more than that. If he gets to take our wedding present, my debts will pile up and who'll be left feeding the four million or so kids, let alone deal to all those jobs he's left unfinished around the place.

I hear whisperings that he wants more visiting rights. But, you know, I am not sure if the kids really want to ever see him again.

Oh, if he thinks I am going to take all this lying down, he's got another think coming. Things have changed in three years.

Our oldest son Dean is in the prime of his life and ready for a showdown with the old man. Not only will he outsmart him but he'll show him what it really means to be a man of honour.

He'll stick by us and, by God, we'll stick by him. Because that's what family does. We are always there to support him.

The marriage may be over but why get angry when you can get even? We're down but not out.

So, Team New Zealand now is your time. Keep your head high, tighten your hula and strut your stuff. You go, girl.

nzherald.co.nz/americascup

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