Sam Fisher: Memorable signs for momentous, modern times

Bennett's belief is a remarkable thing. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Horoscopes seem to have been losing favour in the last few years. I'm not basing this on any scientific evidence - but given we're talking astrology, evidence isn't necessary.

You've got to admit, the current star signs - a goat, a horse, a crab and so on - are pretty uninteresting. A virgin is quite a nice idea, but try to find one of those these days.

So, in the interests of provoking some interest, I'd like to test some modern and relevant signs.

Boobs (July 28 to August 15): Your charm and appeal has sagged and riding on a bike down Queen St is very tired. Fewer people are interested and your bounce has dropped. There is less to crow about while you are leading people to the Erotica Expo. You're behaving like a tit. Lucky number 48 pairs.

Noobs (August 16 to August 22): You'll be excited as nominations close and voting begins. Eighty days to go. You really want to be Super Mayor but there's a good chance you won't be. Avoid credit cards, Rachel Glucina and unfunded dark tunnels. Don't be surprised if central government won't pick up the tab for things that need to be done, and be prepared to be sworn in and then sworn at pretty much immediately. Expect problems with the new council's services. It's going to be a long cold winter, even in summer. Lucky number 7. Unlucky number 7.

Wino (August 23 to October 23): It's not what you're drinking; it's how much you're drinking. Perhaps you can't stop. Lucky colours red, rose and white. Lucky number double.

Fonterra (October 24 to December 25): A nation's fortunes ride on your shoulders but this is not an auspicious time. Your fortunes have to withstand poisonings. Be very careful of Chinese entanglements and keep your powder dry. Numbers: Hope bad luck doesn't come in threes. Lucky payout $6.60.

CYF (December 26 to February 23): You can't help but grab the headlines. You are like a whipping boy - not that you could repeat that analogy. On Monday you were accused of allowing abuse of a child in your care, on Tuesday an oversight that caused a baby to drown, and Thursday taking children from parents. Nothing you do is right, particularly while you balance being PC and authoritative. You have no lucky numbers and we can't talk about colours.

Social Media (February 24 to June 23): In common with other religious star signs, you find it hard that people just don't get you're the future. Facebook is in your ascendancy, LinkedIn and Twitter are rising. When someone asks you a question, reply with virtual crops; a connection to a marketing manager in Tucson; and a quote from Shirley Maclaine. Lucky number 140.

Carter (June 23 to July 24): You're alone and lost. And quite mad. You need to learn how to walk on broken glass and appreciate the value of silence. A long holiday, followed by a still longer holiday await. Lucky number: Zero.

Bennett (July 24 to July 26): Your ability to forget your past has stood you in good stead with your friends. While you know some people are still struggling to find work and things remain tough, your belief that jobs are coming and people need to be ready for them is a remarkable feat. Try whistling in the dark. Lucky number 155,300, unlucky percentage 6.8.

iPerson (release date July 27): You're dogmatic, single-minded and fanatical. You know the truth, and others who can't see things your way are annoying. It's frustrating how so many people can't get just how good iThings are. You know your design values, technical specifications and performance are way better than the rest. Humility would be nice though. Lucky numbers 4 and $1099.